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In This Issue

• Attacking Evil At Its Root
• Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
• My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
• Letters to the Editor
• Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
• Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
• AIM is the Tool of the Devil
• AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
• Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
• Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
• God's Own Country: Florida
• Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
• At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
• My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
• Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
• On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
• Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
• The Staff
• They Watch
• Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
• A Message for this Election Cycle
• Sniperman!

If you're like your favorite celebrity, then you probably hate things. Wouldn't it be cool if the things you hated could just be smushed out of existence? By Golly, that would be nice. But how to realize this dream? Up until now, mankind has resorted to wars, skullduggery, self-medication, and trance-core to remove the bad things from daily life.

Today, though, thanks to the modern miracles of heavy demolitions equipment and legal carte blanches for the famous, there is an answer! B-list celebrities, acting on suggestions submitted by you the viewer, will donate their time to bulldoze the unpleasantness out of daily life. Tune in for our series premier as...

Mario Lopez Bulldozes a Bodega at Random

Join the live broadcast as Mr. Lopez approaches one of our fair city's sources for price gouging and then delivers it into the Void. Mario is best known as Saved by the Bell's lovable "Slater;" for those who don't recall, Slater was a man who triumphantly overcame his inability to wear a shirt, thanks to the power of friendship. Now, though, Mario's semi-employed and totally pissed. On the bulldozer selected for demolitions, Mario promises to prominently display a fundraising number for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Give it a call during the show, because this one's for the kids!

Alan Thicke Bulldozes a Car With Those Do-It-Yourself Tinted Windows

If there is one thing that a professionally tinted window communicates, it's "Playa on Board!" This is only emphasized if the driver already has a "Playa on Board" decal. Regardless, the self-tinted window says another thing entirely. It is something along the lines of "I don't have enough money to get this done professionally, but I do enjoy my semi-skilled trade." Alan Thicke has had enough of this macho nonsense. He is going to absolutely crush the next offending low rider that he sees. And not for all the remaining talent in Canada will he stay his wrath.

Emilio Estevez Bulldozes Williamsburg

Dig the "a hairy caterpillar is crawling up my chin" look? Into indie? Go for garage revival? Too bad, because Emilio is sooo post-that. That's right, brat pack alum Emilio Estevez is going to single-handedly demolish the hipster haven of Williamsburg. No longer need Manhattanites feel behind the curve compared to their brethren across the bridge. Your duck on a white horse has arrived, and he's about to make Billyburg look about as cool as Billy Beer.

Whoopi Goldberg Bulldozes Your Nagging Mother

Won't your mom ever leave you alone? According to our viewer response, the answer is a resounding "no." The people of America have cried out, and Whoopi has heard them in their time of need. Join us for the season finale, when Whoopi will have a little surprise in store for a certain member of your family. Don't tell. It's a secret.