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In This Issue

• Attacking Evil At Its Root
• Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
• My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
• Letters to the Editor
• Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
• Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
• AIM is the Tool of the Devil
• AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
• Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
• Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
• God's Own Country: Florida
• Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
• At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
• My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
• Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
• On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
• Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
• The Staff
• They Watch
• Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
• A Message for this Election Cycle
• Sniperman!

It's witching hour in the White House, and all the lights are turned off and the candles are burning spookily inside the soggy pumpkins. George W. Bush is snugly curled up in a corner of the White House. Hoping against hope to avert midterm hell, Karl Rove brandishes a voodoo doll stuffed with Terry McAliffe's toenail clippings and ear hair over a lighter, while Ari Fleischer distracts a drooling, hypnotized press pool by doing a snake dance and babbling in tongues.

That's the only way I can explain the total collapse of the Democatic Party's will to live in the past month. Why is Tom Daschle grabbing his socks and biting down in expectation for the revenge-for-Jeffords assfucking? And while we're on this topic, where is the tar and feathers for the paper-tiger Democrats; namely, Dick Gephart, John Kerry, and Hillary Clinton? Clearly, the sudden transition from "Recession" to "War," without so much as a fumbling peep from the Democrats, has to be the work of the devil.

Short of any supernatural intercession, the source of evil becomes clear: Dick Cheney has been wagging the dog's tail as fast as he can without ripping the damn thing off, and prominent Democrats have pussied out because it's an election year, so naturally they're possessed by what Hunter S. Thompson called the "lizard brain" spirit of politics: Eat, Fuck, Kill, Shit, and Lie About It.

When it's all said and done, the War Powers Resolution on Iraq was just the starting gun on the 2004 Democratic Primary and our "leaders" response was a matter of posturing rather than principle. Dick Gephart, who's been running for president since the late Eighties, saw that the left field (such as it is) was too crowded, especially considering his occasional wishy-washy affinity for the New Democrat wing of the party. He thought that hacking his way in the direction of Joe Lieberman would be the best way to claim the center, while putting his more left-wing rivals on the spot.

Over on the left, Tom Daschle and John Kerry had a sudden attack of apathy, and are no doubt noting that their lack of will on voting against the Resolution is going to be overlooked in favor of their brave performances at press conferences when the liberals start reading the 2004 menu. And Hillary, we hardly knew ye. You were more than a match for her hubby when it comes to realpolitik and screwing over your friends. So much for the liberal we thought we elected. Not that the New York area expects much from politicians these days; between Torricelli's torch flaming out across the river, and McCall banking down to warm coals, we really should consider whether the Democrats and the Party are one and the same anymore.

All the same, it's not a good year to be a Democrat. The Whore of Fame is out, the Hounds are after her, and not even a hundred thousand Phish fans in the capitol can raise the electorate from its slumber. Don't venture out of the "blue states." Pretend you're an elephant. All the other jackasses are doing the same thing.