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In This Issue

• Attacking Evil At Its Root
• Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
• My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
• Letters to the Editor
• Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
• Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
• AIM is the Tool of the Devil
• AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
• Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
• Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
• God's Own Country: Florida
• Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
• At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
• My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
• Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
• On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
• Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
• The Staff
• They Watch
• Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
• A Message for this Election Cycle
• Sniperman!

Every city and town has its own problems. According to Carolyn Risher, Mayor of Inglis, Florida, her town's most pressing problem recently was Satan. Mayor Risher explained that her perception of the Devil's presence was not a reaction to anything in particular. She just felt like there was something insidious lurking in the shadows of a town of 1400 people (many of them power plant employees) that had its last murder during the Reagan Administration.

This still leaves us wondering, what led Mayor Risher to believe that her citizens were so particularly endangered by the fallen Angel of Light? Perhaps the observation of Town Clerk Sally McCranie can shed some light on Risher's reasoning. McCranie reported that she was quite disturbed by the number of young people she observed wearing black and generally looking like Goths. Perhaps this can all be traced back to when the prince of darkness first became involved in Inglis, over forty years ago, when he sent Elvis to this little town to film Follow That Dream. While Elvis' gyrating hips and rock and roll music inspired sin in the nether regions, today Satan has taken a far more direct approach: inspiring a band of Mansonites to terrorize the community with their white makeup and black nail polish.

So Mayor Risher took action. One year ago, she wrote a proclamation declaring Lucifer persona non grata in the roughly three square miles of Inglis. The proclamation begins, "Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a part of this town of Inglis. Satan is hereby declared powerless, no longer ruling over, nor influencing, our citizens." Four copies of the proclamation were made. These were rolled up and placed inside of hollowed out pillars at the entrances to town.

An important question remains unanswered, however. How can a mere mortal order Beelzebub around and expect him to listen? Mayor Risher, who has obviously never heard of a that pesky little, nitpicky law called the First Amendment, answers this in the proclamation, "As the Mayor of Inglis, duly elected by the citizens of this town, and appointed by God to this position of leadership (emphasis added), I proclaim victory over Satan, freedom for our citizens, and liberty to worship our Creator and Heavenly Father, the God of Israel."

Apparently, Mayor Risher is not just some lame-ass elected official ruling according to non-sectarian notions about the "consent of the governed," whatever that means. She's a real old-fashioned proxy of God on this planet, with supreme dominion over three square miles of Florida backwater. While the concept of ruling by Divine Right may have been completely passé by the eighteenth century, so was burning witches, and perhaps that idea could use some re-evaluating as well. In fact, pawn shop owner Steve Baughn, a resident of Inglis, put it best when he remarked of the proclamation, "It's kind of quaint and unique and it kind of harkens back to the 16th century."