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It’s That Time Again
Issue 18.4: Evil
Posted: Octoberish 2002

At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers

Carter Adams

Nobody likes Christians. Maybe you didn't grow up in the Bible-Belt, maybe you don't feel the loathing that I feel toward the blood-drinkers, but admit it: your life would be a Hell of a lot less irritating without them around. They bring CC discussions to a grinding uncomfortable halt. They never stop singing. And if one more person hands you a little pamphlet with a title like "Somebody Loves You," you're going to start throwing punches. It's OK, I understand.

Sure, they're annoying, but are they really that bad? They must serve some purpose other than providing essential vitamins and minerals for large predatory cats. A quick visit to the website of Jack T. Chick publications (www.chick.com) should clear up any lingering doubts you may have. Mr. Chick draws "tracts," little comic books intended to get the Word about Jesus out to those stupid enough to pick a religion based on a cartoon.

Somebody Goofed, a fairly standard Chick Tract, begins with a scene typical of today's youth: A crowd of teenagers, clad in pentagram-embroidered jackets, smoking joints, surrounds the dead body of a recent suicide. (Small wonder I was handed this on Columbia's campus.) Our plucky young protagonist stands by, scared and confused by his friend's death. As luck would have it, two religious leaders are there to guide him. One is young and charismatic, and says that he shouldn't worry; his friend is in heaven now. The other is a cranky old man who comforts the still-grieving youngster by telling him that his friend is being slow-roasted down in Hitler-ville. Naturally he goes along with the first guy, and several panels later they both die in a sudden train accident (Chick Tracts frequently involve sudden train accidents). The comic ends with the fantastic image of the freckled, baby-faced, teen being taunted by a demon as he begins his eternity in the lake of fire, wishing that he had gone for the old man's brand of hard-line Bible-thumpin' Christianity.

I strongly encourage you to visit chick.com. They've got over a hundred of these things, and you can read them all. There are tracts about homosexuals (Doom Town), Dungeons and Dragons (Dark Dungeons) and most confusingly, Freemasons (The Curse of Baphomet.) You'll also learn the answers to important questions. "Are Catholics Christians?" (Answer: no.) "Must the Jews accept Christ?" (Yep.) "Has someone made a comic strip to convert that hard-to-reach biker gang demographic?" (Yes, in fact, they've made three of them.) While you're there you can shop for anti-evolution posters and read the latest issue of the Battle Cry newsletter. Crusade on, Christian soldiers! Clearly there is something very very wrong with these people, and clearly something has to be done.

So I get to thinking: how do we solve this problem? How can we, the normal people who just want to listen to rock and roll, have abortions, and worship Charles Darwin, live our lives without harassment? As luck would have it, the answer was no further away than the Bible I keep on my toilet in case of emergency.

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:10) Hear that? They're asking for it! All we have to do is martyr the billion or so Christians in the world. They'll get the Kingdom of Heaven, and we'll get the Kingdom of Hardcore Porn replacing Church Cable Channels. Everybody wins!

At this point your probably saying to yourself "Gee, getting rid of those pesky Christians would be great, but there's just so many of them. What are we to do?" Well, flipping through the latest issue of Ranger Rick, I notice that African lions are still endangered. I think everyone will be much more willing to spend money to breed, raise, and train Simba when he serves an important role in society. Perhaps the fun could even be televised. Imagine tuning in each Thursday night to watch a 500 pound predatory cat devour a Christian "rock" band, or a bunch of Tennessee missionaries. Southern-accented screams of death and pain! Brought to you by Cingular Wireless.

This is the world I imagine: currency inscribed with "All Hail Baal," churches and cathedrals converted to Ottoman opium dens. Easter and Christmas returned back to pagan solstice and equinox orgies. Jesus exists only as a humorous image to put on sexual toys. A great reduction in child molestation. Birth control for the whole damn world! Free abortions! Booze on Sunday! Gay sex in the streets! Forever and ever, amen.