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It’s That Time Again
Issue 18.4: Evil
Posted: Octoberish 2002

On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol

Paul Campion

Now, if you're a real American male, you drink constantly. Furthermore, you don't conform to any sort of arbitrary drinking norms because it's common knowledge that bartenders are more liberal before the hour of four in the afternoon. Actually, I just totally made those two up, so never mind.

My point is that you have had at least one drinking experience. And like everybody who has had at least one encounter with alcohol, the chances are that you have realized something: most drinks generally taste pretty terrible. But what are you to do? Are you going to order a big, delicious, pink drink with a chintzy little umbrella in it? It may be pleasing to the taste, but you might as well break out the assless chaps and feather boa (because that's what I hear homosexuals do). At the same time, you want to enjoy your time (read: brain cell killing experience). What to do?

Let's think about the intoxicant continuum, which runs from macho to yummy. At "1" is turpentine, being both the manliest and the most disgusting drink. At "10" are Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Silver, Skyy Blue, and Russell Paint Aqua; thanks to the cool and colorful suffixes, they taste like 7-Up. Unfortunately, they're all fairly girlish. But between 1 and 10 is 5. Somewhere out there, there has to be a drink that has the perfect combination of machismo and deliciosity.

The Fed surveyed bartenders at the strip of pubs on Amsterdam Avenue between 80th and 84th and asked one simple question: "What is tastiest drink I can order without being unmanly?" The responses varied from "what?" to "beer," but a clear winner emerged overall.

Clyde, at the Dead Poet

The Fed: So let's say I walk in and I order a double vanilla screwdriver. What would you think of me?

Clyde: I don't know. I'd probably just do it.

The Fed: Fair enough. Let's say that I walk in wearing a tutu and I order a double vanilla screwdriver. Then what would you think of me?

Clyde: I really can't see below waist level from back here, so I probably wouldn't judge you the less.

The Fed: OK. Let's say that I walk in with a face full of make-up, I hit on you from the moment I walk in, and I order a vanilla screwdriver while perusing an entire armful of gay pornography. Then what would you think?

Clyde: You're gay.

The Fed: Precisely. It's all about the drink.

Jeff, at Brother Jimmy's

The Fed: I'm looking for a drink that's the perfect combination of tastiness and manliness. What would you recommend?

Jeff: How about a Manhattan? They're pretty classy.

The Fed: Suits me.

Mel, at the Raccoon Lodge

The Fed: Mel, you're a chick. What would be the tastiest drink I can order without making you think that I'm unmanly?

Mel: I don't think that the drink would have anything to do with it.

Jeff 2, at Drip

The Fed:What drink is the perfect combination of tastiness and machismo?

Jeff 2: Probably the Americano.

The Fed: What? I was thinking of something with a little more punch.

Jeff2: Ummm....you know this is a coffee shop, right?

Freddy, at the Gin Mill

The Fed: I'm looking for a drink that's both tasty and manly. What would you recommend?

Freddy: Either a Martini or a Manhattan. I don't know.

The Fed: No, really. Which one?

Freddy: In a pinch? I guess a Manhattan.

The Fed: Why's that?

Freddy: It's easier to make. But I don't know. The Martini is definitely cooler.

So the final tally is Manhattan 1.5, Martini .5, Coffee 1, and Miscellaneous 2. Being an arbiter of taste is thirsty work, so I decided to stick around the Gin Mill for a Manhattan. As it turns out, the drink tasted like lighter fluid. But that's OK. Real men don't sweat the small things.