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It’s That Time Again
Issue 18.4: Evil
Posted: Octoberish 2002

Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?

Mahnaz Dar

Like most colleges across America, Columbia University is trying to promote diversity, one culture club at a time. Just look at any blank surface on campus. If there isn't a flier containing the buzz words "multicultural event" or "free food straight from the heartlands of [insert nation that hasn't yet made it onto the map]," there will be within the hour. There's no ethnicity, religion, or activity you can come up that won't gather a mass of semi-interested students, and the more esoteric, the better. Whether you've recently discovered that Jesus loves you and me both, or you just want to get in on the anti-war craze, there's a place for you somewhere-- except if you want to start a Neo-Nazi hate crime recreation group.

Sadly, the plight of one of the most obvious interest groups has been forgotten in the rush towards tolerance, and it's a group devoted to just what the college experience is all about: evil. Yes, for some arbitrary and unjust reason, there's no Satanist club on campus. All right, maybe it's because of the whole death obsession. But logically, an organization promoting devil worship makes just as much sense as the latest cultural fad. After all, how many of you honestly know what Club Zamana does, other than provide food after John Jay and Hewitt have closed? Ethnic groups have become just another passing trend, while malevolence has always been a college tradition. Admit it. A group celebrating the Dark Lord belongs here. If the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship can publicly worship God, why can't we kneel before his more daring and badass counterpart? It's about religious freedom, people!

There's no lack of ideas for events for such a group. Instead of a typical church bingo night every Thursday, there could be Ouija board Wednesday, where earnest followers of Lucifer gather to make contact with the spirits. CUSFS and their Campus Crusade for Cthulhu limit themselves to posters; the demonic chants led by ardent Satanists would produce the real thing. While the African American feminist group may require an auditorium in Barnard Hall to hold its showing of The Color Purple (and the obligatory hour-long discussion that follows), the Satanist chapter would be far less demanding in its needs. With just a projector and a cramped room in Lerner, its few but loyal followers could watch The Omen and mourn the son of Satan's ultimate downfall to their hearts' content. Rituals would only involve a few slaughters and blood-drinkings of innocent virgins (the hard part being finding said victims this late in the semester). To prove their fervor and their disdain for non-Satanists, initiates would have to knock on dorm doors on Saturday mornings, asking bleary-eyed, hungover residents if they've accepted the Prince of Darkness into their life, and would they like a free copy of The Satanic Bible for private study?

When it comes right down to it, the Satanists have just as much a right to be here as the puppet rulers of CCSC, ESC and SGA, the many varied a cappella groups, and members of the continuing education program (perhaps more of a right, in that last case). Sure, you could join the herd and head off to an ethnic club meeting hoping that something vaguely edible is being served tonight. Or you could sell your soul to the one organization that's not afraid to bring reckless, bloody orgies back to the college campus.