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It’s That Time Again
Issue 18.4: Evil
Posted: Octoberish 2002

Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo

Katie Herman

Earlier this week, Starbucks Senior Vice President of Worldwide Public Affairs, Wanda Herndon, announced that Starbucks® plans to launch a new advertising and marketing campaign to change its image. Herndon released the following statement on Monday:

"It has come to our attention that a negative image of Starbucks® is beginning to become common among certain fringe elements of society. References to Starbucks® as 'evil,' like making it the headquarters of the antagonist in the popular comedy, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, have become all too frequent. We at Starbucks® find such slander damaging, unfair, and slanderous, especially since we always seek to 'develop enthusiastically satisfied customers' and 'contribute positively to our communities and our environment,' as our mission statement sets forth. In spite of this, people continue to attack Starbucks® simply because we are successful, and we 'overcharge,' 'serve bad coffee,' and 'aggressively drive other coffee shops out of business.' We see this as a problem of image. To deal with it, we are implementing a campaign to emphasize that when people see Starbucks® as 'evil,' they are really recognizing that Starbucks® is 'badass,' or as is fashionable to say now, 'punk rock.'"

This campaign is to involve a Britney Spears song/commercial in which she sings, "Starbucks® is bad, but baby, it's so good, oh baby, baby!" while wearing nothing but Starbucks® napkins; a series of billboards and newspaper ads depicting a giant café latte with a mohawk and spiked leather belt stomping on small neighborhood coffee houses, reading, "Drink Starbucks® coffee, and you'll kick everyone's ass too!" and a revamped logo in which the Starbucks® mermaid will be pictures with tremendous breasts hanging over the green circle and a leather whip in her hand. Below the logo will be printed the new slogan: "Starbucks®, we are sooooo fuckin' evil! Yeah!" An international ad is also in the works, to accompany an increased effort for global expansion, featuring the Clash song "I'm So Bored With the U.S.A."

When questioned about how she thinks this campaign will make Starbucks® more popular among its critics, Herndon explained: "When people complain about our coffee being burnt, our employees will tell them it's because we're just hott like that. We've been criticized for opening stores right next to existing cafés and dropping prices for just long enough to drive our local competitors out of buisness, but we're going to run radio commercials in markets where we've opened new locations that will explain, 'Did Starbucks® shut down your favorite coffee shop? Well hey, we got a bidness to run, and I guess our bidness was just more badass than their bidness. So fo'get about Café Wimpo. It's all about the Starbucks®, baby.'"

Implementation of this new campaign has already begun. When a group of environmental and human rights activists went to Starbucks® headquarters yesterday to protest the poor working conditions, less-than-subsistence wages of coffee plantation workers, and the destruction of rainforest and farmland caused by coffee plantations, a public relations representative met them and told them that Starbucks® would not consider changing its policies because it was important to "show those spicks who's boss" and that "those rainforests ought to know to stay outta Starbucks®'s way." Employees in certain Starbucks® locations have already begun to wear the new black leather uniforms.

Starbucks® hopes not only to cultivate a more favorable image among it's critics, but also to bolster its existing popularity with the junior high market. The tough, badass image is expected to appeal to young teenage boys, particularly to the wimpy ones who perhaps were not cool enough to go to Starbucks® before. And by going for a "punk rock" attitude, Starbucks® expects double their sales to teenage girls who shop at Hot Topic and listen to The Vines, who have signed on to do a Starbucks® sponsored tour this winter.

When students at a New Jersey junior high were asked what they thought of the campaign, the great majority of them responded positively. Eighth grader Alan Luddley's comment speaks for itself: "You mean we're gonna be able to see the mermaid's tits now? Fuck yeah!"