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In This Issue

• Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
• Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On
• A Brief History of the Apocalypse
• Letters to the Editor
• The Newest Ball-Suckin' Tea Craze
• Young Lady Changes Sex, Founds Frat-nerd-ity
• Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success
• Reasons Why Those Two Seniors Got Caught Cheating on the GREs
• DVD Features Will Make This World a Better Place
• Thousand-Foot Monsters "Battel" for the Future
• Duuhnuh.... Duuhnuh... Dunudunu... SHARKWALK!
• Dean Quigley: Oracle, Comedian, Swell Guy
• Jesus Freaky Christ and His Many Dopplegangers
• I Done Mediocre
• Future's A-Gonna Be Swell
• Sports Riots Portend Downfall of All Mankind
• The Four Stages of Zombification
• Super Novi Bros.
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Now With Added Filler!
• The Staff of 18.5
• THEY Watch

American Beetle, injured by Terrorism, and fattened by consumerist greed, struggles his way through the Rucky Charms match.

Once thought to be dead, the hipster triple threat of pastiness, irony, and mouth-breathing resurfaces mightily at Kaiju.

Dr. Cube Loves You. There is no Salvation without Dr. Cube.

"Tato! Tato! Tato!" Chanting, fists in the air, hearts and lives on the line, the crowd of 1800 hipsters came together for a common cause. Some might call it hip-hop. Some might call it the forces of good. Some might call it a break dancing freak in a silver polyester suit. But I call him the Silver Potato, 2000 foot monster with a lease on my heart.

Entering the Roxy that night for the Kaiju Big Battel, we knew we were in for trouble. Signs everywhere warned us: "Watch for projectile monster parts," "Danger can happen!" and "Danger Zone: beware of monster blood, toxic sludge, smoke, and fire!" But what could we expect? It was a battle of monolithic proportions.

Throughout the galaxy, there exist the Kaiju- militant villains, menacing alien fiends, and gigantic, city-crushing monsters-who all desire dominance over the galaxy, and compete using senseless acts of violence, treacherous tactics, and interplanetary boxing. Their battles destroy nature, civilizations, and the lives of hundreds, so the Kaiju Regulatory Commission organized the Big Battel. Here, in a maximum security environment, monsters can relieve pent-up monster aggression without loss of human life.

Yes, it's true, some people saw 6-foot dudes in colored foam engage in amateur wrestling over a cardboard cityscape. But the Kaiju officials were quick to assure me that it was part of the mysticism of the brutes of the battle. Kaiju monsters are so high on the evolutionary scale, they have developed powers such as fast-as-light action and the ability to shrink and grow at will. You see a short dude and I understand that the monster is in actuality 2000 feet tall. You see recreational wrestling and I understand that my inability to see the complexity and brutality of their moves is merely my own human limitation. I do not doubt the validity of Kaiju.

Kaiju society is complex. To simplify it for humans, the Kaiju Commissioner divided it into categories: Team Space Bug, Dr. Cube's Posse, the Heroes, and the Rogues.

Dr. Cube's Posse is dangerous, and popular. Understanding that the key to world domination was through the powerful Kaiju, Dr. Cube began using self-taught genetic engineering to create his own super-sized, demented giants. His mind-controlled army of minions converted hundreds with sick propaganda. "Dr. Cube Loves You," they told me, "and he wants you to know that if you do not join his powerful Posse, you are on your way to poverty, misery, and famine. Will you call on Dr. Cube to save your life?"

The answer, my friends, is NO! Dr. Cube is dangerous, willing to tell any lie to achieve total world domination. His minion promised me a cute little puppy... but only after I signed a contract agreeing to carry Dr. Cube's babies and spread his potent genes in the form of little mad scientist toddlers. Puppy, or creepy box-headed children and a life of imprisonment? It was a tough choice. But I understood, after the battles, that Dr. Cube was not the answer.

After four impressive but ultimately unremarkable battles, it came time for the Rucky Charms match between American Beetle and Call Me Kevin. Injuries caused by toxic sludge at the last Battel, American Beetle began the round poorly, fat and gasping on the floor. But the cries of "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" from the indie audience gave him the strength to crawl into the 6-foot high box of Rucky Charms as Call Me Kevin was distracted by the giant bazoombas on the Beetle's nurse. Upon finding the Lucky Charm in the cereal box, a new, energetic and skinny American Beetle burst out amid a spray of dried marshmallows and cereal. Charismatic and ultimately a good guy, American Beetle called on his friend, the leprechaun of the Rucky Charms, to help him do Irish jigs to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" all the while beating the bejesus out of the space monster. It was the first time in over a year that I felt "Proud to be an American."

But the next Battel contained the man, the alien, the hero, who won my love: the hip-hoppin', break dancin', heart breakin' Silver Potato. Against the green and red space monster Uchu Chu, it was a tough match. Uchu Chu reminded me of a skinny, Converse-wearing, quick and skinny human-only in monster form. The match was long, with Uchu Chu at an inherent disadvantage: he was allergic to hip-hop and the DJ refused to take Run-DMC off the turntable. In his own element, Silver Potato tried several times to pin the alien with various breakdancing poses, but to no avail. Sexy, though, ain't it, how the little tater can balance on a head and a hand, legs splayed stylishly in the air, on an alien's chest? Oh, Silver Potato, won't you be mine?

Unfortunately, his girlfriend has more gall and guts than I ever could; when the 5 losers from previous matches invaded the ring to help Uchu, Anna Dramina jumped in the ring to deliver some swift space-grrrl-powered kicks to the Potato's enemies. That danger aside, the Potato paused to spin a break dancin' tribute to Jam Master Jay, much to the delight of the audience and horror of Uchu. Climbing up the walls of the steel cage, the Silver Potato paused to let the chants of "Tato! Tato! Tato!" wash over him, before leaping into a wildly spinning Spudsault to land on Uchu Chu for the pin, and the win.

Trekking home, covered in celebration champagne, Gomi Man's toxic sludge, and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle's blood, I felt exhilarated. I had just seen the most powerful forces in the universe battle for pride, for power, and for their lives. I myself risked my life to see this spectacle. It truly was a war of the worlds. And so, when my friend turned to me and said, "Those foam costumes were amazing!" I gasped in horror. When he said, "Those actors must have so much fun!" I didn't know what to say. "I want to be a monster! Think they'd hire me?" I sighed, and patted him on the back. I suddenly understood. This is exactly what some people needed to think, to believe, to protect themselves from the power that is the KAIJU BIG BATTEL.