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In This Issue

• Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
• Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On
• A Brief History of the Apocalypse
• Letters to the Editor
• The Newest Ball-Suckin' Tea Craze
• Young Lady Changes Sex, Founds Frat-nerd-ity
• Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success
• Reasons Why Those Two Seniors Got Caught Cheating on the GREs
• DVD Features Will Make This World a Better Place
• Thousand-Foot Monsters "Battel" for the Future
• Duuhnuh.... Duuhnuh... Dunudunu... SHARKWALK!
• Dean Quigley: Oracle, Comedian, Swell Guy
• Jesus Freaky Christ and His Many Dopplegangers
• I Done Mediocre
• Future's A-Gonna Be Swell
• Sports Riots Portend Downfall of All Mankind
• The Four Stages of Zombification
• Super Novi Bros.
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Now With Added Filler!
• The Staff of 18.5
• THEY Watch

Paul Campion and Ian Cofre

Recently I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the latest fad to hit Morningside Heights: sucking squishy black balls immersed in a milky fluid. For those of you picturing Barnard first years and the football team, think again. In fact, I'm talking about the new concoction known as Bubble Tea, boba nai cha, Pearl Tea, or simply the "bubble drink," available at the brand new Cafe Swish that has students either awestruck, puzzled, or "totally grossed out, man!"

The basic ingredients found in this strange mixture include: water, your choice of flavoring (from a list that includes jasmine, taro, coconut, honeydew, chocolate and lychee, whatever the fuck that is), and the best part...the large black tapioca balls that rest at the bottom waiting to be extracted by the large sucking apparatus provided with the beverage. Are you turned on yet? Just like coffee shops in the U.S., bubble tea cafes litter the streets of Hong Kong and Taiwan.

Only recently have the American people been introduced to the latest Eastern craze! Stories of how the two main components of the drink (the tea and the tapioca) were combined to eachother vary. Whatever the reality may be, the product is spreading across cafes and convenience stores like an infectious disease. Standing outside the site of distribution I noted the different expressions and responses of those who exited with Bubble Teas in hand:

"The juicy tea stuff is good...but I don't like the way the balls feel in my mouth..." commented one woman who had just stepped out of the restaurant carrying a large Jasmine Green Tea-flavored Bubble Tea; "those black things are really squishy and slimy...kind of like eyeballs, I guess." Another customer, a young man, commented simply, "Tastes like fucking shit...you want some?" I declined and decided to stop being such a pussy and purchase one myself.

I politely asked for the honeydew flavored Bubble Tea and waited patiently thinking about all the wonderful delights which would soon be tantalizing my tongue. When my tea was finally handed to me I gazed in amazement at the milky, sallow-colored fluid which engulfed the large black balls at the bottom.

I will never forget that first sip or the ensuing sensation of wanting to blow chunks. It tasted like perfume and...yes...it felt like I was sucking on slimy objects which did in fact reminded me of eyeballs. It amazes me how the leading distributors of Bubble Tea products can claim that, "Bubble Tea is not a fad, it's a trend. The drink is addictive. If you've had a good one before then you know what we're talking about." Well, right now the only thing this Bubble Tea is satisfying is my oral fixation.