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columbia's r2-d2
Issue 18.5: robofuture
Posted: November 25, 2002

Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success

Liz Gorinsky (with thanks to Ian Sullivan)

NEW YORK CITY, 2020 -- Columbia University, desperate to limit complaints that administrators are haughty, heartless, and non-responsive, institutes a web portal modeled after 20th century query websites like Forum 2000 (now defunct) and the Conversatron (http://conversatron.com). This new resource synthesizes the personalities of well-known individuals at Columbia into computer code so that questions submitted by students can be answered instantaneously by artificially intelligent people prototypes. We recently posed some generic questions to the system to see how it would fare in comparison to real, live Columbia administrators. Here's what emerged:

 

  The Student
 
I'm trying to pick classes for next semester, but I can't seem to find any that are taught by actual professors.

 

Kathryn Yatrakis, Dean of Academic Affairs  
 
This is intentional. We figure that interacting solely with overeducated, self-important TAs is great practice for all the cocktail parties you'll be attending a few years down the line.

 

 

  The Student
 
My student group desperately needs some more funding.

 

Student Development and Activities  
 
Does your organization cater to the needs of some underrepresented religious or cultural group?

 

  The Student
 
No, not exactly.

 

Student Development and Activities  
 
Then I'm afraid that you have already been allotted far too much money.

 

  The Student
 
Um... okay. What about a place where we can hold events?

 

Lerner Hall  
 
You seem to be under the impression that I am something other than a convention center.

 

 

  The Student
 
I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I have to declare a major in two weeks and I've never encountered anything remotely approximating an advisor. What do I do?

 

FYSAAC Dean  
 
Have you checked out the website for your class center? I hear that there are some great resources on the internet! :)

 

 

  The Student
 
I've been feeling really depressed lately. Any advice?

 

That Guy In Your English Class  
 
As Dante says, "There is no greater sorrow than to be mindful of the happy time in misery." In other words, you should probably stop looking back on your former glories and just get used to your new, sucky existence.

 

Lit Hum Professor  
 
Have you tried re-reading the Illiad for guidance?

 

  The Student
 
But that's half of the problem. I'm thousands of pages behind in my reading!

 

SEAS Student  
 
HA-ha!

 

 

  The Student
 
No one seems to care about me anymore.

 

The Guys at JJs Place  
 
We're here for you. So long as you get here before the grill closes at 1:30. We have lives, too, you know.

 

 

  The Student
 
Aaah! Who do I have to talk to to get some help around here?

 

Chris Colombo, Dean of Student Affairs  
 
Can you rephrase that question in the form of a promotion?

 

 

  The Student
 
This school is run by incompetent idiots! Why, god, why?!

 

  Lee C. Bollinger, President of Columbia University  
 
Is your father on the Board of Trustees?

 

  The Student
 
What has that got to do with anything?

 

Lee Bollinger  
 
Hmm. You don't appear to have a building named after you, either. Tell you what... I'll put you on this waiting list. With any luck, the giving office will be able to soothe over your angst by the time it's your turn to make a financial contribution.