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In This Issue

• Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
• Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On
• A Brief History of the Apocalypse
• Letters to the Editor
• The Newest Ball-Suckin' Tea Craze
• Young Lady Changes Sex, Founds Frat-nerd-ity
• Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success
• Reasons Why Those Two Seniors Got Caught Cheating on the GREs
• DVD Features Will Make This World a Better Place
• Thousand-Foot Monsters "Battel" for the Future
• Duuhnuh.... Duuhnuh... Dunudunu... SHARKWALK!
• Dean Quigley: Oracle, Comedian, Swell Guy
• Jesus Freaky Christ and His Many Dopplegangers
• I Done Mediocre
• Future's A-Gonna Be Swell
• Sports Riots Portend Downfall of All Mankind
• The Four Stages of Zombification
• Super Novi Bros.
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Now With Added Filler!
• The Staff of 18.5
• THEY Watch

Chicago-based LifeGem recently announced a new method for disposing of the remains of the institutionally insane. The process involves extracting carbon from the cremated remains of loved ones and then converting it into a diamond by means of a process involving extremely high temperatures and pressure. The diamond can then be set in jewelry and "offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does. Forever," states the web page. For those not satisfied with just looking pretty in the afterlife, however, the Fed has come up with some more practical approaches to dealing with the great beyond.

For The DIY-ers: Diamonds are pretty, but they're also worthless. Try turning your late home-handyman into an industrial strength diamond-tipped powertool. This way he can finally finish that molding project you've been nagging him about for years.

For the Lovers: We all know what the old man was really good for. Even though he was on the maximum dose of viagra and still couldn't seem to keep it up while living, he's sure to have no problem satisfying you in death as a permanently erect phallus. Convert him into a stylish new dildo and put the spice back into your love life. It's not just diamonds anymore that are a girl's best friend (But for just a little extra you can have your new apparatus studded with them for extra sensitivity).

For the Gourmets: You always said he was just scrumptious. Now that he's gone, what could be more meaningful than finally becoming one with your lover by chowing down on his bodily remains? For those too squeamish to consider eating roast rack of man, he can easily be compressed into convenient sized protein-bars, for energy on the go!

For the Veterans: Gee, grandpa sure did like telling those war stories. Well, now's his chance to go on one last mission, probably inflicting more damage then he ever could with the cushy office-job he had in the army. Have his body pressed into bullets and other military-issue weaponry, and he's off to kick some major terrorist-ass!

For really crazy people: Combining the secret embalming process used to preserve Vladimir Lenin with the amazing technology of today, we can transform those unsightly corpses into realistic animatronic relatives who can be turned off with the push of a button. Amuse your guests with this interesting conversation piece. Program in catch phrases for non-stop fun. Oh uncle Charlie, he's always good for a laugh.

These fantastic new body disposal plans aren't yet available at most funeral homes, and the cost may be prohibitively high until the technologies become more commonplace. But rest assured, there's always another, more affordable option:

For those unwilling to shell out thousands of dollars for the real thing: Turn your loved one into a cubic zirconia. She's dead anyway, so she'll never know the difference.