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In This Issue

• Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
• Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On
• A Brief History of the Apocalypse
• Letters to the Editor
• The Newest Ball-Suckin' Tea Craze
• Young Lady Changes Sex, Founds Frat-nerd-ity
• Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success
• Reasons Why Those Two Seniors Got Caught Cheating on the GREs
• DVD Features Will Make This World a Better Place
• Thousand-Foot Monsters "Battel" for the Future
• Duuhnuh.... Duuhnuh... Dunudunu... SHARKWALK!
• Dean Quigley: Oracle, Comedian, Swell Guy
• Jesus Freaky Christ and His Many Dopplegangers
• I Done Mediocre
• Future's A-Gonna Be Swell
• Sports Riots Portend Downfall of All Mankind
• The Four Stages of Zombification
• Super Novi Bros.
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Now With Added Filler!
• The Staff of 18.5
• THEY Watch

You know those nights where you hate the entire world and the only person you know you can trust is yourself? Well, I was having one of these nights a while back, so I decided to put work and contact with civilization aside and spend a quality evening with a rented DVD and a bag of Veggie Stix. I should have known better than to rent DVDs which are subject to being rented and then scratched by any local idiot with enough identification to get his Blockbuster card. I rented one anyway, only to find that I was unable to watch the movie. Upon popping my DVD into its player it was discovered that the only menu that would come up on the screen was the special features menu. Rather than taking a bat right then and there to my DVD player in utter frustration, I decided to settle for the special features menu and just take what it had to offer, not expecting very much.

Boy, was I wrong! Have you watched the special features portion of your DVDs lately? It's the bomb diggity! Little did I know that what I saw wasn't merely a jacked up DVD that only allowed me access to the special features menu, but a glimpse into the future!

Yes, my prophecy for the future is that the actual movie will be done away with, and all that will be left is the special features section! Who needs the actual movie when you have behind-the-scenes footage from the movie that you didn't watch? I don't want to hear this bullshit from film makers about how movies are about expression and a window into the human experience. It's about time you come to terms with the fact that most movies aren't worth watching anyway. Of course, to fully make the transition away from watching the movie, the special features section will have to undergo some slight renovation.

I would like to see more fighting.

One suggestion is that the behind-the-scenes footage would be a lot more interesting if a Real World like spin could be thrown into it. Today, you never see footage of the overpaid actor screaming how he hates working with these other moronic buffoons on these godforsaken film, as he throws his Evian bottle at his assistant's head and storms off to his trailer to cry to his agent. You know it happens; it would just be all the better to see it in live action.

Additionally, the option of watching all sex scenes in succession should be made available. You could expand on this and have behind-the-scenes footage of just the sex scene. In addition to behind the scenes, I'm sure the technology is there to be able to watch an entire movie with all of the actors topless, or, if you please, stark naked. Of course this type of feature could turn Steel Magnolias into an absolute horror, so watch your step. Okay, so technically this is called "porn." But hey, people are split up into two categories, those that openly love porn and closet porn lovers. Special features in the future would just put everyone on the same playing field.

Just watching movies is SO twentieth century. We are well into the twenty-first century, kiddies, and it's time to expand our movie-watching horizons to more pornographic-based ventures.