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columbia's r2-d2
Issue 18.5: robofuture
Posted: November 25, 2002

Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On

No, Mom, I Swear It's a Religion!

Carter Adams

So you think you've tried 'em all. From Mormonism to Masonry, from the Torah to the Time Cube, you've looked into every creed, cult, and crazy secret organization under the sun. Well, let me tell you about a little synod you might not have heard of. Let's talk about Scientology.

You look at rich celebrities and you think: Where do they get their success? Just what do the rich and famous like John Travolta, Linda Blair, and Charles Manson have in common, you ask? Well, it's a few simple truths from L. Ron. Hubbard: a schizophrenic, pill-popping, wife-abusing, third-rate science fiction author.

Now gather round Uncle Ronnie and listen to a story. A story about a space alien named Xenu. Once upon a time, 75 million years ago, in fact, a powerful alien named Xenu ruled a system of 76 planets, one of which was Teegeeack, which we now call Earth. These planets all had hundreds of billions of inhabitants, and so Xenu decided to do something about the overpopulation. He gathered together a bunch of Income Tax Collectors and Psychiatrists (Hubbard spent most of his life running from income tax collectors and psychiatric wards) and duped the population of these planets into taking drugs. When they were in a state of drug-induced paralysis, he blew them all up with H-Bombs.

Xenu then captured their souls with sticky radiation, and showed the souls movies about Jesus. The souls then collected together to form the current inhabitants of the world. Later on, Xenu was captured in a big war, but he's still alive, imprisoned under a volcano somewhere on Teegeeack, I mean Earth.

Scientology teaches Dianetics, a "mind technology" that enables practitioners to remove these souls (called Body Thetans) from their minds. Once they're gone, your mind is free to utilize its hidden supernatural powers. One removes these Body Thetans by reading expensive Scientologist literature, attending expensive conferences and consultations, serving unpaid time in the Scientologist Navy (yes it does exist) and buying time on the Scientologist Cruise Liner, "Freewinds." Attaining the highest titles and positions within the Scientologist belief system requires an excess of a million dollars worth of personal consultations, copyrighted religious texts, unpaid labor, and required donations.

Wait, did I say supernatural powers? Oh, yes, I did. Once a Scientologist reaches Operating Thetan Level 3 (which both Tom Cruise and John Travolta have passed) he or she gains magical powers. What these powers are, exactly, is a closely guarded secret, but we are forced to assume they somehow involve shitty movies, closeted homosexuality, and Napoleon Complexes.

If you'd prefer to try before you buy, www.clambake.org has hundreds of pages of secret documents and information that are normally for the eyes of high-level Operating Thetans only. But watch what you do with those documents! The Church is pretty careful with its secrets, and has been engaging in an aggressive campaign of lawsuits against those who want to publish the beliefs of the religion.

So goodbye Body Thetans! Several dozen obnoxious celebrities and television commercials can't be wrong, so I'm ordering the videos, signing my kids up for the boarding school in Florida, and most importantly, heeding the good advice of Mr. Hubbard: "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."