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In This Issue

• Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend
• Crazy Pill-Popping Cult Lives On
• A Brief History of the Apocalypse
• Letters to the Editor
• The Newest Ball-Suckin' Tea Craze
• Young Lady Changes Sex, Founds Frat-nerd-ity
• Columbiatron Chatbot Advises For Success
• Reasons Why Those Two Seniors Got Caught Cheating on the GREs
• DVD Features Will Make This World a Better Place
• Thousand-Foot Monsters "Battel" for the Future
• Duuhnuh.... Duuhnuh... Dunudunu... SHARKWALK!
• Dean Quigley: Oracle, Comedian, Swell Guy
• Jesus Freaky Christ and His Many Dopplegangers
• I Done Mediocre
• Future's A-Gonna Be Swell
• Sports Riots Portend Downfall of All Mankind
• The Four Stages of Zombification
• Super Novi Bros.
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• Now With Added Filler!
• The Staff of 18.5
• THEY Watch

THEY is the force that keeps me from being an all-around successful guy.

1. This guy came by our office to yell at us for running a necessary cable outside our door. His problem? It was a "tripping hazard." Nice one. I still can't believe he said that with a straight face. Maybe he should spend less time being an administrative wonk and more time sticking up for actual student concerns. Certain Bald Members of Student Government = THEY!!!!

2. Gradumagation looms. The economy is tanking. The best job connection I have involves stuffing enveopes in my second uncles's beer distribution warehouse. I'm not going to start feeling bad for picking a useless major, so it's time to start blaming others. I'll start with a time-honored favorite: Dirty Immigrants = THEY!!!!

3. Thanks a lot, Wes Craven. First, you ruined the legacy of Nightmare on Elm Street, which quite frankly I thought was impossible. Now, you take this column and misalign it with another one of your cookiecutter throwaway horror flicks. For stealing our idea, They =THEY!!!!!

4. I have nothing against religion per se, but when a newpaper columnist can start a riot by merely connecting Mohammed to a beauty pageant, there is something seriously wrong with way his readers are practicing their spirituality. In fact, I'll go out on a limb here and say that problem lies not in their religion, but rather the atmosphere that it is being practiced in. For Being an Oppressive, Violent Tinderbox of a Homeland, Nigeria =THEY!!!

5. The Bush twins just turned 21. Now, I don't know about you, but I see that as a great reason to give thanks. But alas, Really Dedicated Secret Service Men Who Won't Let Me Tickle Some First Daughter Fanny = THEY!