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In This Issue

• Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
• ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
• Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
• Letters to the Feditor
• ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
• The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
• Astronauts Astro-Rock
• Fascists Hate Smokers
• Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
• Boxed Wine
• Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
• Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
• Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
• Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
• Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
• Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
• Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
• Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
• Fight for Your Beliefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 18.6

I have no role models. I have no hope for the future. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. I have no reason to gather together with other human beings. I have no weekends, and no clothes to wear. Because I do not have sports. And according to ESPN's current advertisement campaign, that means I have no life. ESPN might find it hard to believe, but organized, competitive physical activity plays absolutely no part in my existence. I somehow manage to make it through each and every day without checking a score, talking about a play, touching a piece of equipment, stretching my quads, or patting a teammate on the ass. The last sporting event I attended was the Fed / Jester wiffleball disaster a year and a half ago, and the last game I watched on television was probably an episode of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch. Usually, sports culture doesn't bother me. I just ignore it like it's a homeless guy asking for change, and I go about my business.

But these ESPN ads are different. They're like a homeless guy who doesn't give up after I say "no, sorry", and follows me down the street, and starts unzipping his pants at me. I'm sure you've seen the ads. They're all over the place-- the subway, bus stops, telephone booths, billboards. Apparently, some aired during the Super Bowl, but I wouldn't know. I was watching Gay Weddings on Bravo. For Example, there's the ad with the ditzy-looking cheerleaders that says "Without sports, they'd just be dancers." So I guess all those ballerinas in the American Ballet Theatre are just failed Dallas Cowgirls. And the one that claims "Without sports, there would be no miracles". When I've been hit by a bus and I'm in the hospital and there's only a slim chance I'll survive, I really hope the doctor decides to operate instead of turning on the Yankees game.

However, the most offensive ESPN advertisement has to be the one that shows two African-American women in a locker room (someone told me that they're WNBA stars), with the slogan, "Without sports, who would we follow?" First of all, grammatically, that makes no sense. Secondly, this ad is basically implying that the only role models available for young black girls are athletes. Sorry, dear, no use going to school or trying to make a difference in your community, it's not going to get you anywhere. Better put those books down and get to b-ball practice. Maybe, if you're lucky, one day you'll be as powerful and influential as the Williams sisters. Nevermind all the minority doctors or lawyers or scientists or Toni Morrison or even frickin' Condoleeza Rice, they don't count, because they don't have endorsement deals with Nike. Now, I'm not saying that athletes can't be good role models, or that people of all ages, races and sexes shouldn't be encouraged to play sports, but from my lardass point of view, that message is pretty sad. Few would argue that professional sports aren't all about entertainment, and when a major corporation is telling young African Americans that their main purpose in this society is to provide entertainment, we're back to minstrel shows. Who designed this ad, Trent Lott?

I'm probably not alone in thinking that this ad campaign is evil and wrong. But from my internet searches, the only people I've found so far who agree with me are crazy bloggers and devout Christians. (I guess the slogan "Without sports, there would be no reason to get up early on Sunday morning" didn't go over so well in the Bible Belt). Where is the outrage? Why aren't Oprah and Whoopi Goldberg leading a massive boycott against ESPN? Maybe it's because the majority of the world really does think that without sports, life would be meaningless. Maybe everybody agrees with Ann Daly, the senior vice president of marketing for ESPN. When explaining the campaign to Newsday, she said, "Sports are not a metaphor for life. In many ways, they are life. Sports is culture and culture is sports, and sports is ESPN." Whoa. If that's how it is, I should start going to the gym.