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In This Issue

• Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
• ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
• Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
• Letters to the Feditor
• ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
• The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
• Astronauts Astro-Rock
• Fascists Hate Smokers
• Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
• Boxed Wine
• Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
• Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
• Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
• Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
• Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
• Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
• Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
• Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
• Fight for Your Beliefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 18.6

Left: Fascist dictator bent on world domination; Right: Htiler

Ahh, smoking, that fiery breath of tobacco that rekindles the sputtering flame of hope separating most Columbia students from despondent suicides. A lovely blend of burnt leaves and singed paper pouring almost religiously into the lungs, filling the dejected with the wherewithal to withstand the monotony of higher education, the cigarette transcends race, color, creed, and gender to unify scholars campus-wide.

There is one group, however, that seems intent on destroying the racial and religious harmony inculcated by these slim sticks from heaven - The Militant Anti-Smokers. Their leader: one Michael Bloomberg, ex-smoker and elected mayor of our fair city. Their methods: increases in tobacco taxation, widespread anti-smoking propaganda, and finally, laws against indoor and public smoking.

But, wait...I think I've seen this before...over-taxation, poorly written propaganda, laws violating the right to private property and capitalism, (our most beloved of isms), unjust persecution of a convenient scapegoat...why, yes! More and more, it appears Bloomberg has found political guidance in the question "What Would Hitler Do?"

Unbeknownst to most, the Third Reich, boasting the world's strongest anti-tobacco movement of the ‘30s and ‘40s, worried that deaths from lung cancer were a threat to the Aryan race. The Fuhrer was, like Bloomberg, an ex-smoker and elected dictator. And, although Bloomberg's anti-smoking lobby has not revealed any plans for Aryan domination (yet), the similarities of its methods to those used by the Third Reich are striking:

FACT! Starting in 1937, Hitler tripled the tax on all tobacco products, calling it a "punishment tax," ostensibly for anti-tobacco services, but in reality to supplement the Reich's bank account. By 1941, tobacco tax revenue comprised 1/12th the Reich's income. Compare this to an excerpt from Columbia Journalism's "Covering Ideas" website: "...Mayor Mike Bloomberg recently proposed a drastic increase to the city's tax on cigarettes. Alongside encouraging smokers to quit, this measure is expected to raise about $250 million for New York's coffers... Raising the cigarette tax, a so-called "sin tax," to fill budget deficits has become a national mini-trend this year ." The plot thickens...

FACT! Shortly before World War II, Hitler began a series of somewhat quixotic and (naturally) anti-Semitic, propaganda posters meant to convey his message that "smoking is the vice of capitalists, Jews...degenerate intellectuals, and loose women." Offensive, yes, but doesn't that quotation sound a little familiar? If we pull out our handy-dandy thesaurus, we might translate Hitler's quotation thusly - "Smoking is the vice of Big Tobacco, New Yorkers, Columbia Students, and Barnard chicks." Bloomberg strikes again?

FACT! As for indoor and outdoor smoking, the Nazi party barred smoking in workplaces, offices, hospitals, and rest homes in 1938. In July 1943, the party banned all forms of public smoking, indoor and out. Finally, in 1944, Hitler himself enacted a smoking ban on public transportation. "What's so bad about these initiatives?" one might ask. Why, that's a foolish question - don't you know a Nazi can do no good?

Actually, these initiatives all backfired on the Reich - by 1945, there were 101 new smokers for every 7 quitters in Germany. By 1950, the smoking rate in Germany dropped over 50% from the height of Nazi Power. That said, aren't you sort of glad Bloomberg and his clean air cronies banned smoking in bars? The day of the heavy-smoking tobacco-speakeasy may be upon us.

Now, you might walk up to me and say, "Matt! Holden! What proof do you have that any current anti-smoking militants are true Jew-hating, ultra-conformist Aryans? You're full of BS!" You've got some nerve, mister. You'd also be wrong! For, in researching this article, I searched Google for "anti-smoking nazi." Here are some excerpts from the first site that came up, www.sigrdrifa.net:

"In order to help her son learn more about geography, Sara (the originator of the "post-card swap") thought up the idea of having friends send postcards from where they live." Education = Good, right?

"Since prison libraries can be limited on the subjects and variety of book which they carry...the women of SIGRDRIFA decided to do something special to help our kin who are locked away." Oh, well, that's considerate.

"[SCOOTS] is a heritage based school curriculum for ages Preschool up to grade seven, which promotes European culture and values, as well as teach the history of our great people..." Um...Beg your pardon?

"We encourage all racialists to contact at least one prisoner. These men have put [sic] sacrificed their life and freedom for us in the name of our Folk." Ga Whoosa Wha?

"‘The Fuhrer even suggested that Nazism might never have triumphed in Germany had he not given up smoking.'... If you smoke, stop. White women are too valuable to be poisoned with tobacco filth." Jiminy Cricket!

Don't support racist fascism. Light up for Democracy!