In this Issue
- Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
- ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
- Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
- Letters to the Feditor
- ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
- The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
- Astronauts Astro-Rock
- Fascists Hate Smokers
- Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
- Boxed Wine
- Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
- Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
- Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
- Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
- Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
- Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
- Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
- Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
- Fight for Your Beliefs
- Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 18.6
Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
The Fed re-examines its past as a 1980s conservative political publication
Andrew L. Levy
Freshmen often arrive at ----wait, I'd better change that before I'm lynched by radical feminists and other left-wing bizzaros.
First-year students often arrive at Columbia with their defenses down, blissfully unaware of the comedy/horror show which awaits them.. The show I'm talking about is, of course, written, produced, and directed by the Columbia campus Left, and stars such luminaries as Students Against Militarism, Students in Solidarity with Nicaragua, and Associate Professor of Sociology Eric Hirsch. Some of these arriving students, having not yet been indoctrinated by the Left are naïve enough to bring certain bourgeois values with them: for instance, the belief that it's okay to spend money on a party even though there are starving people in ___________, homeless people in ___________, and American imperialist forces in ___________. (Fill in the blanks yourself; by the time this sees print the fashionable places will probably have changed.)
By the end of their first semester, many students have been reeducated in the right directions (or, should I say, the left direction). They probably have attended their first ad hoc committee meeting (possibly the Ad Hoc Committee on War, Injustice, Hunger, Nuclear Weapons, Death, Heaven, and Hell), and have gained the necessary insight into just how the United States has managed to cause all the world's problems since around the time Christ walked the Earth.
Unfortunately, some students never get the message. Through some deficiency, mental or moral, they never quite get the hang of how to be a Correct Thinker. After much thought, I've come to the conclusion that what it all boils down to is a language problem.
You see, the Columbia Left uses a different language than what we are commonly brought up to believe is English. Oh, they use many of the same words, but the meanings they assign to these words are far, far different from what those of us not privy to The Secret generally use.
In the interest of helping the poor, befuddled few who remain ignorant of the Newspeak spoken here, which, for lack of a better name, I call Leftish, I present this short, and by no means complete, Leftish Lexicon. Included also, at no extra charge, is a short lesson in Leftish grammar.
The rules are simple: when a word in a definition is in capital letters, it refers you to the definition of that word, and means that the two definitions are similar or identical. (See for example CAPITALISM and FASCISM.) This happens often; Leftish may be confusing, but keep in mind that it is the product of simple minds.
CAPITALISM-1. an inhumane system which forces people to depend on their own ability. 2. FASCISM
CLOSE-MINDED-term which describes someone who disagrees with a liberal/leftist or with liberal/leftist dogma.
COMPASSIONATE-1. term which describes someone who believes that the government has the right to steal money from some people in order to give it to others. 2. see OPEN-MINDED
CONSERVATIVE-1. reactionary . 2. FASCIST
EMOTION-preferable to REASON. Never let REASON guide your actions when emotions will do the job. Remember that it is better to feel than to think.
FASCISM- limited government and individual rights
FASCIST-1. someone who believes in limited government and individual rights. 2. See CLOSE-MINDED
FEMINIST-1. someone who believes that women are naturally better than men. 2. someone who believes that women deserve special favors and preferential treatment.
FREEDOM-1. government control. 2. High taxes. 3. SLAVERY (e.g., Nicaragua).
FREEDOM-OF-SPEECH-the right to publicly agree with liberals/leftists.
INDIVIDUALISTS-1. statist. 2. someone with long, unkempt hair. 3. someone with messy clothing. 4. someone who wears black. 5. something "cool" to be with your friends (as in "let's all go out and be individualists together").
LACK-OF-COMPASSION-1. belief that private charity is better than government handouts. 2. belief in individual self-reliance and self-worth. 3. belief that government does not have the right to use force against some of its own citizens for the benefit of others (i.e., taxation).
LIBERTARIANISM-1. never heard of it. 2. FASCISM.
MISOGYNIST-1. someone who believes that women are equal to, but different than, men. 2. someone against comparable worth.
OPEN-MINDED-term used to describe someone who agrees with a liberal/leftist, or with liberal/leftist dogma.
PEACE-1. unilateral disarmament 2. Soviet superiority.
RACIST-1. term used to describe someone who believes that affirmative action is reverse discrimination, and that people should advance through ability rather than race.
REASON-1. something not to be trusted. 2. never heard of it. 3. See EMOTION.
SELFISHNESS-- wanting to keep that which you earn. Never, ever use this word to describe the people who want to = take what you earn for themselves. These people are to be called the "dispossessed," in order to make clear the fact that a) it's no their fault b) whatever you've achieved is not due to your ability, but rather to your exploitation of "them."
SLAVERY-1. forcing people to earn their own living in a free marketplace. 2. CAPITALISM
SOCIALISM-1. a good, just system ruined only by corrupt, greed, and SELFISH people who really should be taken out somewhere and shot. 2. Something not really practiced in the Soviet Union. 3. Something really practiced in Nicaragua, and they should be applauded for it.
A SHORT LESSON IN GRAMMAR
THE USE OF "REAGAN" AS A PREFIX:
Use this to describe someone or something you don't like (for whatever reason). For instance, someone with short hair, or neat clothes, or expensive clothes, or with different political beliefs is Reagan-youth. (Don't worry; whether or not this person dresses like Reagan, or believes in the same principles as he does doesn't matter - as long as he or she does something illiberal).
Music not made by certifiable moral people (e.g. Springsteen, John Cougar Melloncamp, Jackson Browne, etc.) is Reagan-rock. Reagan-rock can also apply to specific songs, such as Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach", a song about (wait, sit down and hold on to something) a girl who decides (are you ready for this) not to have an abortion (gasp!!).
Pro-freedom, pro-capitalist literature would probably be called Reagan-lit, if any existed. Again, this doesn't mean Reagan stands for freedom or capitalism (in fact, he doesn't particularly), but merely that such literature is not proper.