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don't say we didn't warn you
Issue 18.6: militant
Posted: February 10, 2003

Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats

They need movies because they're still not cool enough to take mushrooms

Ted Holden

Left: nerds with foam and cardboard. Right: CGI magic. Nice try, nerds.

About two thousand years ago, Jesus stood atop a mount and professed to his followers that the meek would inherent the Earth. Of course, nobody at the time, least of all Jesus, believed that, but it did succeed in scaring the Lares out of the typical Roman aristocrat. Unfortunately, it seems Jesus' drunken boast is becoming reality, as the meek (henceforth known as "the nerds"), are arming themselves.

I speak of course of the growing hordes of amateur "Lord of the Rings" re-enactors and their organization, "Dagorhir." Legend has it (we can assume the nerds think of their recent history as legend) that a Rings fanatic named Bryan Weiss started the Rings re-enactments in 1977, apparently after misinterpreting Tolkien's work as some sort of instruction manual for armed nerd revolt. Though not versed in the finer skills of Live Action Role-Playing, Weiss broadcast dozens of advertisements on Baltimore's WGTB, saying, "Anyone wanting to fight in Hobbit Wars with padded weapons, call Bryan at the following number."

Rather mundane, to be sure, and so soon thereafter, Bryan Weiss became "Aratar Anfinhir," and his Hobbit Wars became "Dagorhir" (My elvish is a bit rusty, but I believe that means "Warrior Stormbringer" and "Battle Lords" respectively. Rather over the top for a college guy playing with sticks in his mom's backyard, I must say).

According to Dagorhir's official site, the organization has expanded far past the bounds of Bryan Weiss' (I will not call him Aratar) backyard. Indeed, the militant Tolkien influence has spread from coast to coast, and from Michigan to Florida (but has yet to claim our level-headed neighbors to the north). They have 36 Battle Groups in all, each named after a land or people from "Lord of the Rings," and each armed to the teeth will plywood shields and foam-tipped PVC pipes.

It seems that, as Jesus predicted, the days of the Psychotic Cap-Popping, Trenchcoated Nazi Loners are behind us, as a new, more organized, and far more militant dynasty of the meek has emerged. And though Dagorhir warriors seem more interested in playing with Nerf Crotch-Bats TM than in getting back at their highschool's star wide-receiver, it is just a matter of time before they take the foam off their spears and take it to the jocks "old-school." Hey, Those PVC pipes leave nasty welts.

Naturally, after first hearing about Dagorhir over winter break, I was more amused than terrified. For, I must admit, I am myself a Tolkien nerd, having just completed my tenth reading of the book, as well as a 8' X 6' hand painted map of Middle-Earth for a friend's Christmas present. Afraid of what I might become, I told my dad, who responded, "I think as long as you stick to using PVC for potato guns, you'll be alright. Besides, you're not that big of a Tolkien nerd."

Responding to that, I said, "Yeah well, but perhaps its better if I don't know esoteric crap like ‘the etymology of the name Bag End is "the bag at the end of the road" or "Cul-de-Sac", illustrating Tolkien's rejection of French influences in English culture." He tried to assure me that was actually rather interesting, just as my brother walked in and said, "Many people would say that Mordor doesn't have any rivers, but they'd be wrong." Dad turned back and agreed it was time for everyone to put the book away.

So struggle we must against the ever growing forces of Geekdom, threatening to consume us all in a tidal wave of nasal giggles and unpronounceable elf names. For, as you know from high school, there's nothing more important than being cool. And even though Dagorhir is holding "Ragnarok XVII" June 22-28 in Cambridge, Ohio, and even though membership is free, and even though the elf-name I got from theonering.net is super-cool, I won't be there. Really.