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In This Issue

• Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
• ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
• Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
• Letters to the Feditor
• ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
• The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
• Astronauts Astro-Rock
• Fascists Hate Smokers
• Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
• Boxed Wine
• Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
• Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
• Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
• Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
• Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
• Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
• Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
• Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
• Fight for Your Beliefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 18.6

As I'm sure you know, Barnard is a prestigious liberal arts school that promotes integrity, diversity, and hot girl-on-girl action. I came to Barnard as a wide-eyed freshman from a small town in Arizona, eager to partake in the 24 hour orgies that awaited me, as well as the much lauded inspirational messages of peace and tolerance. Though I could immediately check banging ten strangers in the same night off of my lifetime "To-Do" list, as a Barnard student I could not so easily check off my other dream: living in an environment of true equality.

That realization quickly put the brakes on the love train. Despite claims to the contrary, Barnard is teeming with sexist propaganda, undoubtedly part of President Shapiro's ruthless campaign to ultimately rob the male species of their God-given rights. A quick perusal of Barnard policy will immediately reveal the institution's seedy underbelly of corruption:

First off, men aren't even allowed to attend Barnard - Just for being men. Not only that, but if they do manage to visit the campus, they must be signed in, as if they were savages. In addition, they are forced to use separate restroom facilities, which are presumably "separate-but-equal," a twisted scheme, no doubt implemented by the fascist Barnard think tank, more commonly known to you ignorant fools as the Residential Life Committee. Disgraceful. Read on, if your stomach can handle the constant churning.

Barnard has countless "women only" clubs, including Women in Politics, the Mujeres club, and Women Helping Women. Also, I noticed the engraving on the statue of the Goddess Athena, queen bee of this mindless cult. The cryptic message, "Hepomene toi logismoi," roughly translates to "Death to men, I find them illogical." A chilling statement indeed.

After overcoming the initial shock that I was attending a hate factory, I decided the only right thing to do would be to jump into action and fight for the rights of our oppressed brothers. Without delay, I vowed to institute a chapter of the National Coalition for Free Men (NCFM) at Barnard College, so that I might spread awareness of the infinite capabilities that men could possess, if they would simply shake off the debilitating chains of oppression that hold them down. Clearly, the road to victory would be a long and arduous one, fraught with countless hurdles, but like the little engine that could, I was going to keep chugging away.

I immediately contacted the head of the New York chapter of the NCFM, who was delighted to learn of my support of men's issues. He informed me that in order to join the NCFM, I would have to apply to become a member. The application process would be a grueling one. I knew from the beginning that I would have to make several sacrifices to realize my dream of true gender equality, and this would be no exception. With great haste I sent in the application form, which was a check for 30 dollars, and soon after was delighted to discover that I had been accepted into the prestigious organization with open arms. God bless America.

I immediately headed to the Barnard College Activities office and demanded that the NCFM receive recognition. The woman behind the desk, feigning interest, attempted to avert my efforts by telling me I would have to "wait" because it was "7 at night," and they were "closed." Very clever, Shapiro - but unfortunately not clever enough. I took the Barnard branch of NCFM underground, and I am happy to say we are slowly growing in number. As for now, membership is at 6 people. Checkmate.

As president of the Barnard chapter of the NCFM, I am the first to admit that the struggle for men's rights has a long way to go. But this war has not been without its victories. For instance, I got a membership card out of it. More importantly, I proudly got to place my name alongside the many other trailblazers before me: Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Celine Dion. And now, Autumn Sexxx Ruhe. It hurts so good.