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In This Issue

• Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
• ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
• Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
• Letters to the Feditor
• ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
• The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
• Astronauts Astro-Rock
• Fascists Hate Smokers
• Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
• Boxed Wine
• Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
• Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
• Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
• Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
• Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
• Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
• Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
• Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
• Fight for Your Beliefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 18.6

It's not often that a woman really goes for a younger man, but when it happens, damn.

I'm as much in favor of replacing the natural beauty of a mother's relationship with her child with the sterility of mass manufactured consumer goods as the next guy. So when I learned that certain women had been brainwashed into ignoring the latest advances in infant formula and artificial nipple technology in favor of feeding their children with the very breasts that God provided to help them land a husband, I was naturally shocked. Who or what was behind this militant breastfeeding cult? Fortunately, I found a website that answered all my questions: www.militantbreastfeedingcult.com.

Founded by Heidi Little, a woman who I am led to believe signs her emails "Billy's mommy," this site was created to provide support and advocacy to the cult's members. I first headed to the "lactivism" page, which disappointingly featured only a postcard from Norway of three women naked from the waist up breastfeeding three babies (presumably theirs, but who knows?).

Looking for something more exciting, I headed to the photo gallery page, which promised "gorgeous pictures of breastfeeding mothers." Frankly, I'm not sure I would consider either the subjects or photography "gorgeous." A highlight was an image captioned, "one of the RARE times he falls asleep nursing." What do you have to prove, lady?

Having had my fill of breasts with babies on them, I decided to check out the pages of the site under the heading "fun." Boy was it! I started with the word search applet, which I'm proud to say I completed despite some difficulties finding the word ‘areola.'

Moving on to the breakaway game, which is essentially a version of pong where your opponent is a brick wall that breaks when your ball hits it, I uncovered a nasty surprise. The wall gradually disappeared to reveal a hoard of stick women in every color of the rainbow and their colossal dot-in-circle breasts.

Next, I continued to the concentration game, where the task was to remember the locations of various historical artists' renderings of women nursing children, including a Japanese watercolor depicting a woman with triangular nipples. Solving the puzzle uncovered a pastoral of a nude woman giving suckle to her child while a man (fully clothed) looked on with his hand on his crotch. Apparently I solved it fast enough to earn a place on the high score list, but rather than blow my cover I put down "photographic mammary."

I decided I had had enough fun for one day, so I checked out a more literary area of the site. The "creative musings" section consisted mostly of poetry that I as a non-lactating non-mother found hard to relate to, and much of which looked like it had been composed using the breastfeeding magnetic poetry applet available in the ‘fun' section. There was also one short fairy tale about the magical land of Klim (see if you can guess the hidden meaning!).

The last thing I did at militantbreastfeedingcult.com was read the true story (entitled "On Strike") of a woman whose newborn son, Noble Song, was apparently too noble for­ his mother's breast milk. Unable to stand the thought of "another nursing relationship failed," NS's mother took to covertly feeding her son as he slept, even though it meant sitting the boy's sister (Timely Rain) in front of the television to keep her from waking her brother.

This story exemplifies an alarming trend: the mother who keeps popping out new children to replace those that have grown too old to drain her bosom. In a twisted perversion of the healthy formula-based paradigm, it is not the bottle that is thrown away when the child is weaned, but the child itself. If you or someone you know is part of this cult, please, seek help. For the children.