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don't say we didn't warn you
Issue 18.6: militant
Posted: February 10, 2003

Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents

Presidental Prowess Perused for Pure Prurient Pleasure Potential

Jessica Hindman

Valentine's Day and Presidents' Day both occur in February. Coincidence? I think not. Ever since superfox JFK beat haggard-looking Richard Nixon during the televised 1960 presidential debate, if not before, Americans have taken physical attractiveness into consideration when electing the nation's leader. These days, as Junichiro Koizumi of Japan tosses his permed hair and Vincente Fox of Mexico dons leather pants, it is becoming increasingly important for Americans to elect a president sexy enough to compete with the steamy leaders of other countries.

Some may argue that it is as difficult to find a president in American history who was hot as it is to find a president who had a vagina. But this is not so. Thanks to the presidential flashcards my parents gave me for Christmas, my friends and I got liquored up and settled in for a decisive game of "Am I Hot or Not?: The Presidents."

We began the game by lining up all of the flashcards on a table and immediately removing the competitors who were downright heinous. We laid down a ground rule that we would judge solely on hotness, no "but he ended the Civil War"-type arguments allowed. This immediately ruled out Carter, who would only have won because peace is hot.

"Ronald Reagan isn't hot! Take him out!"

"But he used to be a lifeguard and a movie star - he was hot."

Reagan was removed because he was old, as was Benjamin Harrison, who had made the preliminary round for being hot in that grandfather kind of way. A heated argument commenced over the hotness of James Polk -- we could tell he was southern by his haircut, which must have been tacky even in 1849, and being southerners ourselves, we reluctantly eliminated him. FDR was hot but eliminated because polio is not hot at all.

Finally we had six semi-finalists for hottest president: Jefferson, Pierce, Kennedy, Clinton, Bush II, and Wilson. My friend Riley was adamantly for Wilson, stating, "I have a thing for professors." My other friend Megan was for Jefferson, declaring if Sally Hemmings could go for it, she could too. Clinton was hot because we all know his sex life, and Bush II because southern girls are subconsciously attracted to stupid men. Kennedy was the likeliest president to win. As we eliminated the choices to the final three, however, it became clear that a dark-horse contender with big eyes and flawless skin, Franklin Pierce, was a clear challenge to JFK's hitherto uncontested throne.

In the final round, Clinton was eliminated because, like so many porn stars, he's not really hot, he just likes to have sex. That left only Kennedy and Pierce. We all closed our eyes and placed our fingers on our choice for the hottest man to have ever put his hot ass in the presidential office chair. The suspense was excruciating. We opened our eyes - all fingers were on Franklin Pierce!!

In addition to being the hottest president ever, Franklin Pierce further stole our hearts as we learned from the flashcard that he supported immigrant rights and bought parts of Mexico like Texas and Arizona. His big brown eyes conveyed a loving sensitivity that was absent from JFK's cold "I cheated on Jackie" kind of glare.

Enraptured with Franklin, we set out to determine the ugliest president, which proved to be much, much harder. Our six semifinalists included many of the most revered presidents: Monroe, Lincoln, Jackson, and Washington all made the cut, proving that being hot is not a pre-requisite for being a legendary political leader. Taft was ruled out because we decided that fat does not necessarily mean ugly, and Nixon was cut because evil doesn't mean ugly either. Lincoln was eliminated because at over six feet tall he probably had a huge...um...heart.

We were left with two final contestants, both ass-ugly: James Buchanan, with his pasty face and tiny lips, and Calvin Coolidge, who is downright scary. The blind finger vote was performed, and Coolidge became Chief of Hideous. His vileness was increased when we learned that in addition to his bumpy yellow face, he was nicknamed "Silent Cal" for his refusal to engage in small talk, which would make him not only an ugly date, but a boring one, too.

The contest left me with a deep resolve to always vote hot. Presidents may lie, cheat, and invade Iraq, but beauty is truth. Just ask Franklin Pierce.