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don't say we didn't warn you
Issue 18.6: militant
Posted: February 10, 2003

THEY Watch

Who are THEY? THEY are THEM, the THEM of THEY that make all the other THEYs possible. THEY will control all if THEY get their way. THEY want you to buy THEIR tequila-flavored beers, wear THEIR reversible hoody/blazers, and marry THEIR daughters of THEIR revolution. They Watch is your fighting chance. It is stationed on the parapet between us and THEM, observing always and acting once in a while; we don't have anything better to do and Buffy's not on. But THEY are cunning and clandestine, and many can slip into THEIR traps...

1. FACT: The elevators in Lerner were bought used and polished up to look new to save money. Doesn't seem so safe, as they could be up to 10 years old. And who sells their elevator anyway? FACT: Lerner also cut costs by not insulating some of their water pipes because, hey, how cold can it really get in New York? Well, when it gets so cold that the pipes burst and indoor flooding causes the cancellation of the president's CC lecture, which they then reschedule for Valentine's Day, ruining my plans of staying in bed all day (if you know what I mean) it suddenly seems like not such a great idea. Probably not for the last time, Lerner = THEY!

2. I woke up two days after Christmas only to find that life had somehow been turned into a bad episode of Star Trek when no one was looking. And are sassy French women who have had lots of plastic surgery really the ones we want at the front lines of genetic engineering? Clonaid = THEY!

3. Mandatory military service for all young Americans? Don't you know that the rich kids will find a way out of it just like they did in Vietnam? What the fuck do we look like, Sweden? Just for suggesting that, Rep. Charles Rangel, D - New York = THEY!

4. Not that these shows were ever such a good thing, but come on! This is crossing some horrible kind of line. The ABC Family Channel has a new reality show where families compete to prove who has a life that's more like a sitcom. Reality TV = THEY!

5. I wanted to simply enjoy a decent fantasy adventure film, maybe marvel at the special effects a little. But no! Instead, I spend three hours outraged by the lack of good female roles and the overall whiteness of the heroes. My Columbia Education for Making it Impossible for Me to Enjoy The Lord of The Rings = THEY!

6. Damn rent increases! Where are we to get our spinach and feta pies now? How can we possibly even pretend we're eating healthy anymore when all that's left is Pinnacle and Ollie's? Why, God, why? Tamarind Seed Closing = THEY!

7. I remember when sitcoms used to be comedies about situations. I rememer when relationships on sitcoms had wacky hijinks and comical misundertanding. And I also remember when jumping the shark meant adding a monkey or a cute tyke, not going all mushy on us. For turning sitcoms into dramas (Friends, Frasier) and even doing it in the very first season (Good Morning Miami), NBC = THEY!

8. They covered up the picture of Picasso's "Guernica" when he came to present his evidence. Someone at the U.N. clearly didn't want anyone to draw any attention to the connections to the Fascist bombing of civillians during the Spanish Civil War. But we know. Colin Powell = THEY!

9. You're probably reading this on Saturday around 3 o'clock, having picked it out of your mail box after grabbing a bite to eat at a Lerner café. You're probably still wearing your pajama pants. Meanwhile, the biggest anti-war protest in history is taking place up and down the isle of Manhattan and across the globe. Thinking Your Calculus Problem Set is More Important Than Peace = THEY!