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In This Issue

• Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
• ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
• Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
• Letters to the Feditor
• ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
• The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
• Astronauts Astro-Rock
• Fascists Hate Smokers
• Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
• Boxed Wine
• Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
• Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
• Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
• Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
• Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
• Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
• Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
• Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
• Fight for Your Beliefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 18.6

Amy Bell

We've come along way from the 1950s when schools could be called "Beaver Country Girls School" without it being dirty. Now every Valentine's day, vaginas across the country give monologues. Well, not our vaginas, per se--most women deliver their lines with their mouths, but it's our vaginas that are talking, I can tell you that much. Maybe it seems strange to you, but whether you like it or not, vaginas, much like your girlfriends, need to talk. They have hopes and fears, have known humiliation and exhilaration and they need to let it all come gushing out. We hope you understand and above all, we hope you listen.

It is was Eve Ensler who first heard our vaginas talking. You see, she has superhuman coochie-listening powers, kind of like the Bionic Woman. She started writing down what our vaginas were saying in the Vagina Monologues so that we can remember that thing between our legs isn't a void, but a fountain of knowledge. Did you know your vagina can teach you how to do the foxtrot? All you have to do is listen.

But as our va-jay-jays' innermost thoughts are spoken aloud on V-day, I sympathetically wonder if there are other sex organs that feel like they need to express themselves. Why are there no Penis Monologues? I'm sure that you guys out there have things you'd like to say about your little men. You already use it to express so many things--I know when he stands up on end that he has things he really wants to say to me, things about his character, his ancestry, his religious affiliations. I feel like men would love the chance to sit on a tall stool with a microphone and a glass of water in an "I Heart Penises" t-shirt while telling us about their johnsons. Has it been oppressed, overused, underused, unappreciated? Does it have thoughts, fears, dreams, uncomfortable personal details that you want to share? Are penii ready for primetime? Tell all!

Just think--massive celebrity appearances and nationwide tours. So many people would want to participate--Tom Green, Jerry Falwell and hopefully Justin Timberlake, Kirk Cameron, the guy who was Doogie Howser and Strom Thurmond! These men have things to say about their units (and testicles and scrotums)! These men aren't just hairy people who make money and pat us on the behind--they have sensitive and private parts to them as well! Their schlongs deserve to be free!

People complain about relationships being hard, about women being difficult to understand, about men being so stupid you could have a more intelligent conversation with a rock, but that doesn't mean it can't be more simple. Our genitalia are holding the key to our happiness. All we need is for our vaginas to talk to your penises. Maybe after that long conversation, the world would make a lot more sense.