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In This Issue
- Abortions: Fun for the Whole Family!
- ROLM Phones Get SEAS Losers Laid
- Drunk Girls Ogle Dead Presidents
- Letters to the Feditor
- ESPN Fills Aching Void... With Sports!
- The Fed Announces Appointment of New Editor in Chief
- Astronauts Astro-Rock
- Fascists Hate Smokers
- Jungle Love, Courtesy of Local "Commie Kikes"
- Boxed Wine
- Nerd Elves Play with Each Other, Nerf Crotch-Bats
- Thinspiration: Looking for Militant Anorexic Love
- Militant Breastfeeding Cult No RateMyRack.com
- Our Militant Roots: A Federalist Article from '87
- Would you like to hear Jerry Falwell's Penis Talk?
- Barnard Girl Speaks... But Who Listens to Those Stupid Broads?
- Perfect Strangers: The Bond That Ties
- Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
- Fight for Your Beliefs
- Wacky Fun Whitey with a Mission
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 18.6
Whoroscopes: I See My Future in Your Pants
Ned Ehrbar
Aries
Get a mullet! If you currently have a mullet, please take action to discard your mullet. Then get a mullet!
Taurus
Remember a couple years ago when things weren't so bad and your loved ones were all alive and happy? Yeah, those were the days. Too bad it'll never be like that again. I mean, I'm just saying.
Gemini
If I were you, and I am, I'd say avoid nuts, since you're allergic to nuts.
Cancer
Usually I'd refrain from making jokes about how your zodiac sign is called ‘Cancer,' but this month, I hate to say, there's kind of something to that.
Leo
Your lucky numbers for this month are 32-14-95-48. Your lucky color is green, and your lucky fabric is lycra. Your lucky day of the week is Tuesday, and if you're my rich Aunt Trudy, your lucky beneficiary is me.
Virgo
There was a flood a very, very long time ago, and the entire world had to be repopulated by the Doomed and the Screwheads. Which are you? Let me know once you figure it out, because I'm honestly not sure which horoscope to give you.
Libra
Your plans to become the real Daredevil fail horribly when you're rejected from law school. Probably should have waited on the whole blinding yourself thing, huh?
Scorpio
We're going to war. This isn't so much a prediction for your future as much as it's my safest bet on what's going to happen in the near future. What can I say? I'm not really a psychic.
Sagittarius
You will inhale. This will be followed by an exhalation. You will continue this process for a long time. When you stop, you probably won't notice, as there will be more pressing matters to attend to, like bowel muscle relaxation.
Capricorn
Your birthday always falls around Christmas. I'd imagine that must be pretty lame, what with people focusing all their gift-giving attention elsewhere. Sucks to be you.
Aquarius
Someday somebody's gonna turn around and gonna wanna make you cry . . . You pathetic loser.
Pisces
Enlarge your penis! 20% increase in size! Affordable do-it-yourself process available exclusively through this website!