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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

Dear Fed

I read your article about Bukkake phenomenon. And as a Japanese, I would like to say to you that. "Bukkkake" is not a traditional Japanese custom.. I mean what Jim Powers said is not true at all.

Yes, bukkake is a Japanese word. But basically it just means dashing water to something. There's no sexsual meaning, and, ritual meaning in that. And there's no custom like that!!

Actually 4 or 5 years ago Japanese Porn video industry invented such kind of orgy and named them "bukkake" , but we Japanese never bukkake even if our wife cheat us. It's really a porno thing... So please don't believe what Jim Powers said.

Anyway I really enjoyed your article, and hope your senior thesis will be on bukkake. haha.

Best regards

Kaichiro

 

Dear Kaichiro:
Konichiwa!

And thanks for your first-hand info on the legitimacy of "American Bukkake" porn director Jim Powers's semantic claims. We had a hunch that "bukkake" didn't really describe some ancient Japanese cumshower ritual, as Powers claimed, when our call to a random scholar of Japanese history to confirm or deny such ended with an abrupt hang-up.

You know, as a Japanese citizen, you ought not let this sort of cultural and historical distortion stand. We recommend a visit to www.jerkoffzone.com, address of JM Productions, which produces the series, where you can e-mail them about their twist of this once innocuous Japanese word. You can also, according to the site, place an order to become an "official pervert" and order more bukkake* videos. More details there.

Let me know if we can help you with any further x-rated linguistic disputes. Shame on them.

( *Jim Powers's definition )

 

Dear Fed
Why don't you kids get on with some real studying and quit the politics stuff. You're not old enough, educated enough, experienced enough or wise enough to make thoughtful decisions yet.
Our country made a big mistake when we lowered the voting age to 18. It has resulted in many students getting side tracked and has encouraged radical pofessors to "brainwash" you kids. Grow up first before you spend so much time protesting about things you know nothing about!

Joan Chipman

 

Dear Joan,
You are so right. We really have no business discussing politics at such a tender age. What were we thinking? Obviously we weren't. Young people shouldn't be allowed to vote. And while we're at it, black people shouldn't be able to either.
Seriously, though, thank you for helping me understand the work of the Who so much better. Hope I die before I get old. And don't worry, none of us bother to vote anyway.

Edward Ehrbar
publisher, the Fed

 

Letter from the Feditor:

Dear Fed Readers,

Even though I don't have a strong enough constitution to make it through the Fed's layout weekend, I've got a strong enough constitution to gently draw our readers' attentions to an certain issue in our policy that has come to our attention recently.

The Fed paper can be offensive. We know that we walk the fine line of decency in the name of humor. And often, being the gangly, awkward nerds that we are, our lack of coordination can make us fall over that line. The Fed does not intend to offend or upset. We try to publish the funny, the unusual, and when we can, the well written.

The Fed also has an open submissions policy. The Fed as a newspaper has no political or social bent. We have no bias. So that means anyone with any point of view, no matter if the editors agree or disagree with that person, they may write, draw, or advertise in our paper. Our criteria for publication are, instead, quality writing, diverse points of view, and the humorous.

Your Editor-in-Chief
And Fed Soccer Mom,
Kate Sullivan

P.S.: Orange you glad this isn't the Apple Issue?