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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

(Due to the sensitive subject matter of this issue's Marauding Interviewer, the identities of those interviewed have been obscured.)

Avidday Moomshay, CC '05

F: Hi.  Today we're talking to people about ass-virginity.  Do you have any terms or phrases that you use for "ass-virginity"?  

D: Um.

F: Do you need me to list a couple that I've heard?  Ass-cherry, plum, peach... any of those strike your fancy?

D:  None of them, really.  They're all a bit too crude for me.

F:  I'm assuming you are an ass-virgin.

D: Yeah.

F:  How would you phrase it, then?  Do you think after losing your ass-virginity you might say, "Yeah, I had my plum busted last night?"

D:  I really don't know.  That's one of those situations where you just have to be there, I guess.

F:  You can't imagine it as a hypothetical?  Okay, what about frottage?  How do you feel about frottage?

D:  Can you explain that?

F: It's the ancient Greek practice of inserting the penis in-between the thighs for homosexual intercourse.

D: Oh.

F:  I suppose you're a meat-and-potates, whitebread kind of guy, so these just arent' likely situations.

D:  No, not likely.

---

Rianbay Oosay, Graduate School of Arch.
F:  Are you an ass-virgin?
B:  Yeah.
F:  If you were to lose your ass-virginity, do you think you'd refer to it as your ass-cherry, your plum, or your peach?
B:  I have no idea.
F:  Would you ever ask your girlfriend to strap on a dildo and bust your plum for you?
B:  I really can't do this interview any more, it's too far out.

---

Onjay Ringspay, SEAS '03
F:  Are you an ass-virgin?
J:  That's a bit personal.
F:  Let's say, hypothetically, that after you lose your ass-virginity, or when you lost your ass-virginity, whichever, do you think you'd be likely to term it your ass-cherry, or your plum?
J:  What about a tangerine?  Just to go with the fruit.
(Off-camera friend):  What about a gum drop?
F:  What about frottage?  It's how the ancient Greek's had sex-they placed each other's penises between their thighs.
J:  Sounds like good clean fun.
F:  Which of the two would you prefer?  Anal sex or frottage?
J (Trying to ignore Fed reporter):  . . . .
F:   Would you ever ask a girlfriend to bust your plum?
J: (More silence)

---

Eweljay Ennisday, CC '05
J: It would be funny if you weren't really a reporter but were just asking girls about ass virginity.
F:  Oh no, I'm legit.  Are you an ass virgin?
J:  Yes.
F: If you were to lose your ass virginity, do you think you might say you had your ass-cherry popped?
J: No, definitly not.
F:  What about having your plum busted?  Your peach?
J:  No.
F:  What would you say?
J:  I think I'd just say I'd done it from both sides.
(A friend walks up)
J:  Wait, I'm being interviewed about something kinda gross.
F:  Do you think ass sex is kinda gross?
J:  Yes.  Well, not if you're gay.  Then it's fine.
F:  Oh, so it is acceptable for gays.  Do you think you'd ever ask a boyfriend to pop your ass-cherry?
J:  No, no.
F:  Just not something you're interested in?