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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

I woke up this morning orange, naked and not alone. When I opened my eyes, I was stunned to find myself spooning with an Oompa-Loompa. It was obvious from the ache in my pelvic area, and the pool of orange gelatin we were wallowing in, that I was no longer a virgin. What the Hell was going on? But as I turned over and gazed into his baby-blue eyes, a torrent of desire overcame me, obliterating any doubts. He noticed me looking at him, and began to serenade me in his sweet, honeyed baritone:

"Oompa-Loompa Doompa-Dee-Doo,

Guess who has just made whoopee with you?

Oompa-Loompa Doompa-Dee-Dee,

An Oompa-Loompa has popped your cherry."

This could be love, I pondered, as I ran my fingers through his thick tuft of lush green hair, which looked and smelled like a freshly-mowed lawn in spring. Suddenly, I remembered going down on him last night-- his perfect patch of pygmy pubes had been the very same shade of lime-green. And his luscious nuts were made of two Everlasting Gobstoppers. Yum! I looked down at my porcelain skin against his orange epidermis-- so sexy! I was like Desdemona and he, Orange-thello. Interracial relationships are so hot! To top it all off, he had snuck out of his button-candy bed sheets in the wee hours of the morning to whip me up a classic Loompaland breakfast in bed. I ate candy-corn, Cheese Whiz, Orangina and raw goldfish (the other white meat), among other tasty delights.

When he went to the kitchen to do the dishes, and my head became clearer, I began to ask myself, "What on God's green earth I was doing in bed with this red-hot Oompa-Loompa in the first place (and why did the wallpaper taste like schnozzberry)?" Then, it came to me: I had been appointed by Willy Wonka's archrival, Slugworth, to seduce one of the Oompa-Loompas and steal the secret sweet recipes. But somehow, in the process, the Oompa-Loompa had stolen my heart. What had he done to me? What voodoo had this creature performed to make me so unbearably in love with him? I had to get over him and get myself together. I was a professional, after all, and could never let my emotions get the best of me, no matter how intense.

In order to succeed I would need to swindle an Everlasting Gobstopper, which Slugworth's men could use to deduce the secret ingredients. So, when he returned, I slyly asked my Oompa-Loompa for a lock of his green hair and one of his juicy testicles to remember him by. When he refused, I had no other choice but to enact "Plan B". I lifted the latch to the cage I'd stowed under the bed, releasing a stampede of hornswagglers, snozzwangers, terrible wicked wangdoodles and awful vermicious kinids, all of which eat Oompa-Loompas for breakfast. They gobbled up my poor little Loompa lover before you could even say "Scrumdiddleyumptious", until all that remained was a pile of green fur and two Everlasting Gobstoppers. I swiped the Gobstoppers, sticking one in each cheek, and got the Hell out of there. Mission accomplished. The job was done, though my heart was breaking.

Yet, three weeks later, I skipped my period. When I took a First Response home pregnancy test, the results were neither pink nor blue, but orange! I knew right away what had happened. Nine months later I gave birth to two beautiful bouncing Oompa-Loompa twins, Augustus and Veruca. They both had my long legs and high cheekbones, their father's carroty complexion, green hair, tiny white teeth and cute butt. And so the feelings I had for the sexy-ass Oompa-Loompa, my first true love, would live on through our orange children.