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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

Ed Rueda

Matt Holden

I've been afraid of John Ashcroft since I first saw him on television. I don't know exactly why, though. I can't put my finger on it. Is it the way he looks? And his voice is a little sinister sounding. No, that's still not it. Oh, wait, I've got it! Now I know why he freaks me out: he's an uptight, bigoted Bible thumper who lost an election to a dead man.

Let me address the last point first: in the 2000 election, John Ashcroft was running for re-election to his Senate seat, representing Missouri. He lost that election to Mel Carnahan, the governor of Missouri who died in a plane crash shortly before the election. Somehow, voters figured that sending a corpse to Washington was more desirable than re-electing John Ashcroft. Not the kind of thing one likes to see on a resumé.

Some people dismiss this election result as being influenced by pity--people felt sorry for the dead governor's family and voted for him, believing that a family member of his would be appointed to serve his term. However, I doubt that pity swings many elections. If that were the case, we would have seen Presidents Mondale and Dukakis in the 1980s.

Let me also include a caveat about my use of the words "Bible thumper." While this is obviously an ad hominem attack, I do not mean to disparage Mr. Ashcroft's personal beliefs. He can be a good Pentecostal Christian and roll around on the floor, talk in tongues, and pick up poisonous snakes all he wants, it doesn't bother me in the least (in fact, I'd encourage him to play with the snakes). What I mean by "Bible thumper" is that he gives religion too great a role in public life, in a government that is not supposed to take positions on the truth of people's religious beliefs. I object not to what he thinks, but what he says: statements like "America has been different, we have no king but Jesus," (to a crowd at that great institution of higher learning, Bob Jones University) only serve to divide Americans against each other, and demonstrate either ignorance of the fact that some people don't believe in Jesus, or contempt for such people as less than fully American. No wonder Osama bin Laden has dubbed the US military "crusaders."

Ashcroft's uptightness is probably pretty closely related to the Bible thumping. Regardless of its origins, though, its existence is undeniable. Attorney General Ashcroft, the nation's leading law-enforcement officer, rather than devoting himself fully to arresting terrorists or breaking up organized crime, took time from his schedule to order that workers cover up a statue of a nude woman in the Department of Justice's building, so that he would not be seen on television with a tit in the background. These are surely the kinds of priorities that mark effective leadership. We can only hope he isn't yet aware of the Statue of Liberty's French origins.

When I accused Attorney General Ashcroft of being a bigot before, I was not limiting myself to his disrespect of other religions, or to his appearance at Bob Jones University. I was also referring to the fact that he once called a school desegregation plan in St. Louis an "outrage against human decency." That was in 1984, the year he ran for governor of Missouri, campaigning by saying proudly that he had done "everything in his power legally" to fight said desegregation plan.

This is the fine gentleman entrusted with the enforcement of our laws. It appears that his understanding of the fundamental law, the Constitution, is a bit flawed. That would bother me no matter what, but what scares the living shit out of me is his pride in this warped point of view.