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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

Just weeks after Mercedes Benz Fashion Week (Feb. 7 - Feb. 14) has ended, the Industry that should be taking its well-earned rest is bustling tenfold. The final night of Fashion Week, featuring drab throwbacks to 60's military fatigues and Air Force jackets, coincided with the Code Orange high alert announcement - and didn't that blow up the spot! We're all used to the Industry being ahead of the game, so DKNY's rush to make duct-tape dresses and Arkadius' new Kevlar series came as no surprise. This season's real shocker came when the industry took a 180-degree turn from its previous ambivalence towards the real world. Who would have guessed that the hotbed of security politics would have moved from its old home at 46th and 1st to Fashion Avenue? There hasn't been this much political fervor on the catwalk since Tommy Hilfiger was accused of exploiting African-Americans, and someone made the absolutely absurd allegation that macho-man Ralph Lauren was a closet homosexual! The nerve!

The fashion world has divided itself into opposing factions, with a few top designers at the forefront of their respective movements. Can I get a double shot of diplomacy, please?

An anonymous informant tells me that REAL training for cadets at the Air Force academy consists of playing Starcraft to hone strategic tactics, while the best of the best get to play generals in the exclusive Wargaming club -- Dungeons & Dragons has never decided so many fates! Hilfiger and Lauren, heading up the "Invade" outfit have instituted this same rigorous training program for their models. They say it's not just about the clothing anymore, but the right mentality needed to strut down that catwalk and take on the world. The fashion divas needn't worry about rape like in the real Air Force, either; in this academy all the lovely boys are far too worried about not smearing their makeup as they trudge through the mud pit.

Meanwhile, the design team at the HONG KONG Co., part of the "Abstain Groop," is vehemently opposed, flashing its line of Veto Vests wherever possible.

French Connection UK is suffering an incredible contradiction in styles, which has led to bitter infighting among its top designers, so we probably won't hear anything from them until they get themselves realigned.

Insisting she's not taken seriously enough, Korean designer Jiwon Park refuses to unveil her new line, but claims it will be big. The Industry continues to write her off as too conventional to be of any real competition. Everyone is quick to forget the huge splash she made in Japan. Be on the lookout for what might take the industry by storm; if not now, then definitely when winter comes knocking.

Diesel Stylab advocates a more peaceful time when it was the loudest thing on the catwalk. It made nary a nationwide peep with its ACTION! line for Spring 2003, despite managing to move about 60,000 units in every major city around the world. Their Fall 2003 punk line is even less relevant, dipping entirely into nostalgic escapism. This means they'll have to be louder, yet more focused with their outfits in the upcoming weeks. Their models could stand to stop eating for a while as well, if you know what I mean! Compared to other models, they just don't seem to have the same hunger: Striking lunch from your to-do lists is Step One!

Things would be a lot different if everyone just took a cue from the fashion world. Forget safe designs! The way to go is a full-scale onslaught of creativity. Some people want a bang for their buck, and the assortment of audacious approaches these designers have given us are just that. Milan, then Paris -- everyone's working for the Now: Forget Later -- at least until the next fashion season!