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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

Ted Holden

Ben Schwartz

board of editors
editor-in-chief
kate sullivan
publisher
edward ehrbar
head submissions editors
julia green & matt hoffman


associate board
carter adams
liz gorinsky
ethan heitner
katie herman
mike ilardi
matt lippert
erik moser
mike noble
amy phillips
YSD

contributors
molly celeste
ian cofre
mahnaz dar
matt holden
bill mclaughlin
edward rueda
ben schwartz

thanks to
the color silver
the porno hacker
sharpies
umlaut vs. schwa
butter
singing computers

Any misspelling, grammatical faux pas, or other ‘mistakes' are intentional: they were left in for effect, and if that's not obvious to you, you're just not getting it. The Fed treats non-responses as affirmatives. We reserve the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. The opinions expressed herein are not neccesarily the views of the Fed. The views of the Fed are as follows:

1. Robot ninjas are always relevant.
2. Lincoln was really a bunny.
3. Merlin's last name should be "Chakawakabingbang."
4. Thimk.
5. You can take the writer to the funny, but you can't... make him use the funny.

The Fed is a forum; views expressed in individual articles are those of the author and do not necessarily speak for anyone else affiliated with the paper.