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In This Issue

• Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed
• Belgian Makes Fun of Belgians
• Sobriety: Mardi Gras Withdrawal
• Letters to the Feditor
• John Ashcroft = Scary
• Marauding Interviewer: Ass Virginity En Masse
• Inside the Real ROTC
• Columbia's Just Being Nice to Get You into the Sack
• Unleash the Flood Waters
• Your Local Forecast
• Oompa-Loompas' Fingers Too Short for Shocker
• Portrait of the Masturbator as a Young Man
• And Now, the Fed Translates the Creepiest Ad Ever
• Jacko Makes Cocktail Party Chitchat
• Spring Fashion: Haute Couture in Haute Alert
• At Your Local Supermarket
• Ode d'Orange
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey Wets the Bed
• An Outdoor Conversation
• Roboninja
• Poor Orange
• The Staff

1. Because the U.S. military is a sexist, homophobic, jingoistic organization that promotes killing people as a means to solve problems and conformity in fashion, it has no place on a campus as blissfully homoerotic as Columbia's. The people who support them are equally poo. Pro-ROTC groups at Columbia = THEY!!!!

2. People have a right to freely choose the organizations they participate in, and the scholarships they recieve. Especially poor, brown people. We know you want to keep Columbia rich and white forever, but anti-ROTC groups on campus = THEY!!!!

3. You've taken precious space in the Spec's pages away from the far more important issue of the porno hacker and the eloquent editorials by one Brian Wagner. And now you've got us thinking about it. Damn you, Red Baron! Meta-commentary about the ROTC debate=THEY!!!!!

4. We realize the Blue & White hasn't really been doing much these days, but that doesn't mean we need you to try and fill that void in a half-assed. unfunny way. Stick to what you do best: substandard journalism as a means to pad ye olde resume. Et Cetera =THEY!!!

5. It's come to They Watch's attention that we've managed to get through a whole issue without making fun of you. So, here we go. Um... you, uh... denied space to anti-war protesters? Oh, and the Simpons made fun of you. Still, getting mentioned on the Simpsons is pretty fucking cool, so... Your radio station has no range? Um... okay, we're drawing a blank. But we're sure there's a reason. And for that ever-elusive reason, we have to say that you definitely belong here. Barnard = THEY!