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In This Issue

• A Modest Proposal for Iraq
• An Indie-Rocker Falls Into the Gap
• Beware of People Selling Stuff, Except Us
• Women Need to be Vulnerable and Easy Again
• Marriage is the Perfect Career
• All The Cool Kids Are Doing It...
• Girl Sells Soul to Pour Investment Bankers' Coffee
• Wendy's Sells the Fuck Out: Lame With Mayo
• I Used to Listen to Jesus Christ, Before He Went Mainstream
• The Singing Senators: Behind the "Music"
• In Gateway, I Designed a 3-D Noose
• Barnard Woman Tries to Use, Not Give, Head
• Mexico: Taco Bell Without Plumbing
• Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
• Wacky Fun Whitey Gets a Date
• Colombia Spectador
• Columbia Bookstore's Introduces New "Ghetto-fab" Line of Clothing

As part of an effort to become increasingly in tune with the needs of the student community, the Columbia University Bookstore is preparing to release its new line of "C!" Clothing that it hopes to market to both university students and teens living in Harlem/Morningside Heights area alike. "We needed something that was collegiate, something that screamed 'Columbia' in great big gentrified letters while still catering to the colored children that live in the area. It had to be ghetto-fab as well," explained bookstore spokeswoman Lindsay Thoreaux.

Ghetto-fab indeed. Columbia's own flamboyantly fabulous Leo the Lion is the official mascot of the new designer series. His cartoony countenance graces nearly every article of clothing manufactured under the label. "Marketing surveys have shown that cutesy stuffed animals appeal to teenage girls, especially those of the, shall we say, 'lower' classes," explained Lindsay. "And it's not a scary lion, like the type that eats people or engages in polygamous relationships with female lions -- it's the cute type that just wants to snuggle with you and be your friend and maybe occasionally nibble at your finger in a loving sort of way," added the designer of the "C!" line of clothing, Donnabella Florenzia.

Those concerned that the "C!" line of clothing relies too heavily upon the cliched "innocent" look needn't worry, as Ms. Florenzia expressed a true understanding of teen psychology by adding just the right amount of raciness into her clothing. "The low cut jeans -- they're one of my favorite pieces -- we died them an unusually bright shade of blue and stamped an orange lion's paw on the left buttocks of every pair," explained Florenzia. "To me, these jeans say 'I'm an angel, but I just might have a little sluttiness deep down somewhere inside of me. Maybe if you take me home that itty bitty whore inside just might come out to play.'" "Yes, and this is just great for the not-white kids because they like to have a lot of sex and have teen pregnancies," added Ms. Thoreaux.

Mrs. Thoreaux is the first to admit that the clothing line's motto and mainstay of their advertising campaign "Break life with youthful vengeance," is totally meaningless, "but kid's like that kind of stuff, and we expect most of our buyers to not be able to read particularly well anyway." Going further into detail, Thoreaux explained "Actually we entered a series of dirty words into an online text translator, converted it to russian, and then fed the text back in and changed it to english again, and this is what popped out. We knew right away that we'd struck gold." In keeping with the lionish motif, Ms. Florenzia actually incorporated parts of real lion carcasses into some of the pricier accessories. "Oh and this is just stunning," Florenzia cooed whilr stroking a brownish-orange pile of fur, "this pocketbook is made from actual lion-hide. Now some people expressed concern that making clothing and accessories from real lions was not 'environmentally sound,' but we solved that problem. See, the strap is made from a lion tail! We use every part of the lion so that nothing was wasted!"

The "C!" label includes plenty of alluring articles of clothing for the guys as well. "Just look at this," Ms. Thoreaux said while holding up what appeared to be a pair of cowboy chaps lined with orange-brown fur. "These pants are agressive -- they say 'I'm the alpha-male and I'm going to spread my seed.' This is exactly the kind of thing that insecure males need to tell the world that they are sexually capable and not afraid to express their Darwinian urges," explained Thoreaux.

"C!" Is expected to hit the bookstore April 12^th, but won't stick around for too long, as it's only being produced in a limited run. To this end, Mrs. Thoreaux warned "All the guys and gals at the West End are going to be wearing it, so you'd better snap up your outfit as soon asp possible. You don't want to be left out, do you?"