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In This Issue

• A Modest Proposal for Iraq
• An Indie-Rocker Falls Into the Gap
• Beware of People Selling Stuff, Except Us
• Women Need to be Vulnerable and Easy Again
• Marriage is the Perfect Career
• All The Cool Kids Are Doing It...
• Girl Sells Soul to Pour Investment Bankers' Coffee
• Wendy's Sells the Fuck Out: Lame With Mayo
• I Used to Listen to Jesus Christ, Before He Went Mainstream
• The Singing Senators: Behind the "Music"
• In Gateway, I Designed a 3-D Noose
• Barnard Woman Tries to Use, Not Give, Head
• Mexico: Taco Bell Without Plumbing
• Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
• Wacky Fun Whitey Gets a Date
• Colombia Spectador
• Columbia Bookstore's Introduces New "Ghetto-fab" Line of Clothing

My fellow Columbians, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to have a good time. No, I challenge you to have a great time. I challenge you to take part in the weirdest, wildest party this campus has ever seen. And I challenge you to do it all for the Fed's benefit. 

On Saturday, April 12th, we are throwing the fourth-ever Fed Bash. It's going to be six hours of music, performance, smut, and debauchery, all for your enjoyment. All we ask in return is your love. And a little money. 

We've tried our best to out-do not only any other party on campus but also any other party we've thrown. Here is an idea of what we have to offer for this time around. Last year, the go-go dancers were a big hit, so we're bringing them back. And there will be more live S&M (a Fed Bash staple), plus a new "spanking booth." As far as music, Vinyl Theory will be performing live, and WBAR's finest will be manning the decks to keep the people dancing all night. Some of the wonderful people from CKY will be there to cause random havoc, much like their friends on Jackass. Plus, if you don't feel like dancing (or, for that matter, standing), you can chill out and watch some truly twisted cinema in the upstairs lounge.

But what can we do to really make this party special, to make frat parties look like tea parties and to blow ADP out of the water? We thought long and hard, then we called in the girls from Bombshell! Burlesque. We'll let you figure that one out for yourself (boobies). And the whole night is hosted by the most loveable of rodents, Scotty the Blue Bunny. 

So come on down to the Lerner Party Space on April 12th and enjoy all we have to offer. We promise we'll respect you in the morning. The Fed Bash is only five dollars, so you really can't say no, can you?

Of course, we couldin't do this without the following organizations: WBAR, Conversio Virium, CUSFS, *upstart, Columbia Queer Alliance, Taal, Latenite Theatre, the Varsity Show, GSSC, and Red Bull.