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In This Issue

• A Modest Proposal for Iraq
• An Indie-Rocker Falls Into the Gap
• Beware of People Selling Stuff, Except Us
• Women Need to be Vulnerable and Easy Again
• Marriage is the Perfect Career
• All The Cool Kids Are Doing It...
• Girl Sells Soul to Pour Investment Bankers' Coffee
• Wendy's Sells the Fuck Out: Lame With Mayo
• I Used to Listen to Jesus Christ, Before He Went Mainstream
• The Singing Senators: Behind the "Music"
• In Gateway, I Designed a 3-D Noose
• Barnard Woman Tries to Use, Not Give, Head
• Mexico: Taco Bell Without Plumbing
• Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
• Wacky Fun Whitey Gets a Date
• Colombia Spectador
• Columbia Bookstore's Introduces New "Ghetto-fab" Line of Clothing

Ben Schwartz

I remember a time long ago when I traveled, along with eleven other men, all over the Middle East with this really groovy cat. We had no map to follow or any agenda to keep. We were all so foolish and young then and just mad with life; talking about everything and anything, not thinking about our futures, drinking the Jack, and smoking the ganja. We just followed this guy wherever he felt he had to go. The sick and hapless would travel miles to just hear his thoughts on what life was all about. It was so real man, so fucking real. And then J.C. sold out.

Okay, okay, so I'm not really one of the twelve apostles. But I am certain that my feelings towards Jesus, whether as an apostle or as a Jewish female college student, would remain the same. Jesus is hands down the biggest prostitute in the history of the world.

J.C., in life, was this dark skinned simple man who moseyed around the desert helping people. That's it. He healed a person here, talked to a person there, and all with a certain level of class. There is no proof anywhere that Jesus spent his life stealing people's hard earned rupies, or whatever they earned back in ancient times, or preaching against issues such as homosexuality or birth control. Day in and day out he just went about his business, doing his part to make the world a better place. Then, just because he gets crucified, he thinks he's all that. So he wore a crown of thorns and was nailed to a big wooden cross. Whoop dee fucking do. Seriously Jesus, what's the big deal?

Following his death, Jesus turns into this god-like figure for the Aryan race. Suddenly, he's somehow thought of as this blond and blue eyed character. Yes, Caucasians may have been in control of Europe, but why did Jesus have to turn his back on his Jewish brothers. I liked J.C. better as a Jew, rather than as a Christian with his head up his ass. Even beyond the denial of the fact that in reality he looked like an Israeli, there has never been a more successful marketing campaign than the one that Jesus used to propagate himself over the past two thousand years. Some may say that it was not Jesus but rather the public that exploited his image. I heartily disagree, and rather believe that Jesus is fully in control and kickin' it as President and CEO of his own self titled corporation.

From church membership fees to WWJD paraphernalia, Jesus as his own marketing tool is a worldwide phenomenon. He's in the Oriental Trading Company's catalog, for Christ's sake. Think you love Jesus? Then prove it by buying yourself and your friends this newly released "What Would Jesus Do?" jockstrap, so every time you hit the field, your balls will be held securely in the name of our Lord.

As history has shown, anyone can create a Christianity spin-off by simply claiming that Jesus or his mom came to him/her in a dream sequence. Jesus used to be just a single man with twelve friends, helping people because they truly needed his aid. Now, every guy on the street is claiming that Jesus came and spoke to him and now this random person needs to start another community in a place like Utah for people to pray to Jesus.

Jesus succeeded in becoming the most widely known figure in the world. Yet, I ask you, at what cost? He may be known from the streets of New York to the dirt roads of Somalia, but is he known as a chill Israeli who lived his life like Kerouac's Sal and Dean Middle Eastern "stylie?" No! He sold out and became the poster boy for Christianity. I guess the innate greed in us all for money and power just got the best of him. Oh J.C., where did you go wrong?