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In This Issue

• A Modest Proposal for Iraq
• An Indie-Rocker Falls Into the Gap
• Beware of People Selling Stuff, Except Us
• Women Need to be Vulnerable and Easy Again
• Marriage is the Perfect Career
• All The Cool Kids Are Doing It...
• Girl Sells Soul to Pour Investment Bankers' Coffee
• Wendy's Sells the Fuck Out: Lame With Mayo
• I Used to Listen to Jesus Christ, Before He Went Mainstream
• The Singing Senators: Behind the "Music"
• In Gateway, I Designed a 3-D Noose
• Barnard Woman Tries to Use, Not Give, Head
• Mexico: Taco Bell Without Plumbing
• Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200
• Wacky Fun Whitey Gets a Date
• Colombia Spectador
• Columbia Bookstore's Introduces New "Ghetto-fab" Line of Clothing

Ted Holden

Octane 05: Only the best

Spring is here-that special time when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of death and destruction. Throughout the country the air is filled with the enchanting melody of birds, bees, jet fighters, and protestors. Oh! Joyous! Such lovely slogans they sing! Not in our name! Make love not war! No blood for oil! Makes me want to kick my heels together and grin!

This whole war business is so abstract, all about things like freedom and oil. If only it could be an efficient, straightforward, and, most of all, profitable endeavor. Instead, a country spends years preparing itself for war, then there's all the shooting and the dying and other unpleasant bullshit, then, If somebody wins, they have to find the oil, extract it, purify it, and many many years later they end up with useful oil. My God, what a fucking waste of time.

Let's be smart. We're in this war already, so what's the best thing we can get out of it? If you're like me, you get all your facts from handwritten cardboard signs clutched in the sweaty palms of political activists. According to my sources, our options are blood and oil. And unfortunately, those crafty Iraqis are setting all that oil aflame. Why not just get central heating? Plus there's all the digging involved in getting other oil, and hey, nobody likes to dig. Except for dogs, but we'd have to convince them there was a bone down there or something. Logic dictates we should go to war for blood. We can't let the world's blood reserves remain in the hands of dictators. As a world leader, it is our duty to liberate that blood. If George Washington were alive today, he'd be on the front lines fighting for that Iraqi crude (plasma). I call on every true patriot to stand up against the blood mongering Iraqi regime and proclaim our greatness: USA is #1!

And the truth is, we need blood. Badly. Our nation's hospitals are perpetually short of blood, and our vampire shadow government thirsts for the juice of life. Plus, there are all our pagan sacrifices and veal dishes with sides of blood. And Iraq? Iraq is just full of blood. First, the average human being contains about 12 pints of blood. To put this in perspective, if blood was whisky, then one human could get you pretty damn drunk. Second, Iraq contains about 23 million people. If we drained them all at once, we would have over 250 million pints of blood. This may not seem all that attractive compared to Iraq's proven reserves of over 112 billion barrels of precious oil, but this is small-scale thinking. 

Blood farming is like any other agricultural enterprise. The modern blood entrepreneur knows we can't harvest all our blood at once. I suggest a 20-year crop rotation cycle. Initially, we'll bleed a percentage of the Iraqis dry in order to gain some capital. With that investment, we should be able to start harvesting some blood, but not so much that anyone dies, while letting another portion of the population give rise to the next crop of Iraqis. I call this system "bleed ‘em and breed ‘em." By the time the first 20 years are up, our little blood farm (formerly Iraq) will probably be able to produce 100 million pints of blood annually, at minimal cost to our stocks of top bleeders. 

We'll redefine the American dream. [cue Beverley Hillbillies theme] Listen to the story of the brother of Jeb, poor world leader, barely kept his family fed. Then one day as he was shootin' at Saddam, up came blood and he started a farm. Red gold. Persian punch. Swimming pools. Movie stars.

I envision a future where the United States is the global leader in plasma exports. No, not just blood, but blood products and accessories. A resource this abundant cannot be ignored. Blood could be the alternative energy source of tomorrow. We could finally power our cars on cities with a substance that is organic, clean, abundant, and cheap. Our wildlife preserves will no longer be threatened by the need for drilling. A new era of peace and prosperity will dawn on the world. And every other country will watch their fucking backs because if they mess with us we'll harvest their blood.

America is great.