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In This Issue

• Students Wrestle for Squid God
• Summer Job Pays to Choke Chickens
• Dolphins: Not Just for Sex Anymore
• Letters to the Feditrix
• The Confessions of a Burgeoning, Fecund Fury
• Suicides Are Fun for Those Who Don't Participate
• Military + Animals = Hours of Deadly Fun
• When Will Columbia Girls Go Not Ugly?
• You Wouldn't Know Hot Ass Even If You Bit Mine
• Necrophilia: Hey, It's Not Like They Mind
• Columbia Hipsters Leave Brooklyn to Strut Stuff
• Want Me!!!!
• I'm Still Drunk After All These Years
• He's Like Larry Flint, but Super Gay
• At Least the Fed Thinks I'm Cool...
• An End to the Planet
• Steve and Cornelius Are Now Chicks, Like to Play with Own Va-Jay-Jays
• Building a Bomb to Put in the Fed's Open Arms
• Oedipus Family Circus
• The Staff of 18.9
• THEY WATCH

I believe many of us came to this school thinking its involvement with the film industry was a plus. I can personally attest that somehow I was convinced that letting intrusive, disrespectful, and condescending outsiders monopolize significant portions of our campus and academic buildings for days at a time was a good thing. I believed that whoring my educational experience to Hollywood would contribute to my cultural maturity, or make me the envy of all my friends, or get me a part opposite Katie Holmes in her next film, or something.

I can see all my old friends now, sitting in their quiet dorms at their sheltered rural schools, surrounded by trees and flowers that grow naturally, squirrels that are still afraid of people, and wishing with all their hearts that their lives could be disrupted by even the most insignificant film crew. I guess the hidden cameras I installed in the ladies' rooms on my last visit to Dartmouth just aren't giving them the level of intrusion they want.

Actually, we do have something for which to be thankful. I'd much rather put up with Spiderman II than Girls Gone Wild or any other disgustingly exploitative pornographers. I mean, as much as I love porn, I have to draw the line at an industry based on taking advantage of barely legal sorority sluts gone cum-guzzlingly wild. I mean, like, where's the verisimilitude? But I guess it wouldn't surprise me to one day see those leeches here, too. If they offered Columbia money, this school would take it and let them do whatever they wanted. Hell, they could probably get Bollinger to star in it. See, one of the first things I learned in college is that everyone has his/her price. Currently, the scumbag responsible for Girls Gone Wild is facing charges for child pornography. If they ever let that filth out of prison, it wouldn't surprise me if he could buy his way into filming on our campus. I mean, on Barnard's campus.

It would be a bestseller, really. Big Boobed Barnard Babes Blow Boys would be so sexy it would cause men and other small mammals to ejaculate at the very mention of its name. It would have to come with a Surgeon General's warning that it might cause your genitals to melt. Fuck that, it WOULD cause your genitals to melt. They're going to have to open up a 1-800 number help line for people with melted genitals, and for people with things caught in their melted genitals, like popcorn or dog hair. Our children will be educated about the dangers of genital melting in elementary school, by a mascot in a costume that looks like a melting penis. This sounds like too good of a franchise to let pass.

On an unrelated note: ladies, there will be a party at Barnard next week, and I promise I won't get you drunk and film you doing what you guys do best. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get as much booze as I can carry and see if I can find a tripod somewhere.