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In This Issue

• Students Wrestle for Squid God
• Summer Job Pays to Choke Chickens
• Dolphins: Not Just for Sex Anymore
• Letters to the Feditrix
• The Confessions of a Burgeoning, Fecund Fury
• Suicides Are Fun for Those Who Don't Participate
• Military + Animals = Hours of Deadly Fun
• When Will Columbia Girls Go Not Ugly?
• You Wouldn't Know Hot Ass Even If You Bit Mine
• Necrophilia: Hey, It's Not Like They Mind
• Columbia Hipsters Leave Brooklyn to Strut Stuff
• Want Me!!!!
• I'm Still Drunk After All These Years
• He's Like Larry Flint, but Super Gay
• At Least the Fed Thinks I'm Cool...
• An End to the Planet
• Steve and Cornelius Are Now Chicks, Like to Play with Own Va-Jay-Jays
• Building a Bomb to Put in the Fed's Open Arms
• Oedipus Family Circus
• The Staff of 18.9
• THEY WATCH

Flipper and Sgt. Noble on their Iraqi honeymoon

You have to appreciate a country that while having the world's preeminent military technology, isn't afraid to simply settle for Flipper and friends during war time. Everyone must do his/her part to help the war effort, and the bottle-nosed dolphin is by no means an exception.

Dolphins have been used by the Navy as a means of defense against underwater forces since the Vietnam War. Sea lions and beluga whales were also used as underwater watchdogs to protect American troops on the high seas. The children's music superstar Raffi left the part out of his song where Baby Beluga in the deep blue seas of ‘Nam right before getting hit by an enemy underwater mine.

These creatures are no less susceptible to the psychological impact of war than are humans. Vietnam left dolphins lost and confused, going back to their families who had no idea of what they had suffered. Did they have any idea what it was like to see your friend Flipper swimming after what he thought was a school of tuna in the distance, only to discover, too late, that it was Viet Cong underwater bomb? No, Mama Flipper and Sister Flipper had no fucking idea, leading to the psychological isolation of a whole generation of dolphins.

Sea World, unable to handle the influx of dolphins in need of psychiatric help, was forced to turn away thousands of dolphins, leaving them on the ocean floor to dwell in their postwar memories. After a while, time took its course and veteran dolphins began to join society again. Yet it's a common tale how, as Flipper and his family surfed the water along the coast, the sounds of crashing waves were catalysts for terrofyomg ‘Nam flashbacks that continued to leave dolphin vets shaken to the core until the end of their days.

Following Vietnam, and an increase in awareness amongst the dolphin community about the horrors of war, many were ready to protest once it became clear that a war in Iraq was inevitable. Dolphins in the Key West Dolphin Fest at Sea World Orlando refused to perform for a week in protest of the war. The only scabs that Sea World officials could find to break the strike and ensure that the show would go on were three lobsters and an old sea otter from the Sea World Aquarium. Sea World was pleased to find out that the public didn't realize the difference and no revenue was lost due to the strike.

There was also a share of pro-war sentiments. A sect of the dolphin community was fairly enthusiastic about the war, aiding the US military in recruiting the next generation of young Flippers for the war. Some didn't stop there. The very militant ones looked beyond the dolphin community to other members of the animal kingdom. Dolphins emerged as leaders in establishing recruitment campaigns in the rat and bird communities, to ensure that whether under the sea, on land, or in the air, animals will be there representing the red, white and blue.

Now don't go all PETA on me and try to defend these animals. The military is teaching them valuable life skills, such as how to search for underwater explosives. Would they ever learn that on their own as they waste their time riding the crashing waves along the pacific coast as free fun loving animals? I think not.

In addition to locating underwater explosives, the dolphins are also trained in capturing enemy divers. According to MSNBC, dolphins are able to attach a restraining device to potential enemies under the water, which then notifies American forces of their location. Following the war, President Bush has announced that this summer, military dolphins will swim up and down the beaches of the east and west coast. Then, if a man of Arab descent out for a day at the beach with his family is detected in the water, the dolphins will be directed to use the skills they learned in Iraq to attach a locating device to the man, so he can be later called in by Homeland Security for questioning.