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In This Issue

• Students Wrestle for Squid God
• Summer Job Pays to Choke Chickens
• Dolphins: Not Just for Sex Anymore
• Letters to the Feditrix
• The Confessions of a Burgeoning, Fecund Fury
• Suicides Are Fun for Those Who Don't Participate
• Military + Animals = Hours of Deadly Fun
• When Will Columbia Girls Go Not Ugly?
• You Wouldn't Know Hot Ass Even If You Bit Mine
• Necrophilia: Hey, It's Not Like They Mind
• Columbia Hipsters Leave Brooklyn to Strut Stuff
• Want Me!!!!
• I'm Still Drunk After All These Years
• He's Like Larry Flint, but Super Gay
• At Least the Fed Thinks I'm Cool...
• An End to the Planet
• Steve and Cornelius Are Now Chicks, Like to Play with Own Va-Jay-Jays
• Building a Bomb to Put in the Fed's Open Arms
• Oedipus Family Circus
• The Staff of 18.9
• THEY WATCH

Hello. My name is Raygine DiAquoi and I am currently running for VP Campus Life of Columbia College Student Council.
    I am sending this email out to your group because I am familiar with your group and honestly believe that our ticket, Mosaic, can honestly affect change with the opinions and concerns of your group in mind. The members of our group represent an array of campus affiliations and passions. While we come from many different perspectives, we believe that our differences will best equip us to understand and work with and for the various student groups on campus.
    I would like to know if I can come in during an e-board meeting for five minutes to speak more with you in hopes of securing the support of your group.
Sincerely,
Raygine DiAquoi

Dear Raygine,
    There were two primary concerns that came up in our discussion of your request. One is that the Fed does not trust politics, politicians, Student Government or Student Development as a whole.
    More importantly, in the Fed's mission statement, we state that we are a publication without a bias or a political or social slant. So unfortunately, we can not endorse your campaign using our email lists or newspaper.
    However, we were impressed that a candidate actually took the time and the effort to contact student groups in an effort to communicate and work with us. So we would like to help you.
    In order to address the issues of trusting Student Council, and our "no bias" policy, I suggest a compromise. I have wracked my brains to think of an acceptable way for you to gain our trust and votes, and this is my suggestion.
    Tonight, there is a CUSFS event co-sponsored by the Fed. I challenge you to a round of COED NAKED* BLOOD WRESTLING for Cthulhu. If you wrestle me, and win, you may speak to the Feditorial Board to present your case, with my full endorsement.
I wish you the best of luck,
Kate Sullivan, Editor-in-Chief

To the Fed:
     Just the other day I attended your ‘bash' and had some thoughts on it. First of all, I saw that guy Erik (participant of the wet t-shirt contest) who was all dressed up in a collared shirt and tie.  He dressed like he should be the editor-in-chief, so I'd suggest giving him that position.
    Then there was the woman who I was told was the editor-in-chief.  The way she was dressed (Catholic schoolgirl outfit) made her look more like an arts and entertainment editor.  I'd suggest creating that section and giving her the position.  I really think these changes will greatly improve your product because, as we all know, people should be judged based upon how they look.
    If you need any other tips on how your newspaper should be run, please feel free to ask.
Best Wishes,
---Patrick Smith

Your concern is deeply appreciated, Patrick. We would like to take all of our fans' administrative considerations into account, but unfortunately we'd never get anything done if we did. That pure socialism stuff, as we all learned at the end of the Cold War, just never works.
    In the end, we have to consider the true behavior of an editor-in-chief. While Erik is a little hottie, and yes, a man, and yes, even professional looking, his response to you might be something gentle, diplomatic, and ego-stroking.
But that's not what the Fed's about! You should know this, if you came to the Bash! Suits? Diplomacy? Ha! In reality, someone with the true soul of a Fed editor-in-chief would reply in the following manner:
    KATE RILED.
    KATE MAD.
    KATE SMASH!
It is only with this attitude that I can keep the slackers, cynics, and creative-funny-types who write for the Fed in line.
    On the other hand, I think its awesome that you came, that you took note of our staff, and that you actually took the time to write us a letter. So I won't smash you. THIS TIME.
Kate Sullivan
Catholic School Girl
Patrick-Appointed Arts and Entertainment Editor
Really the Editor in Chief
And, secretly, a monster ninja.

Dear Patrick,
Thank you!
Sincerely, Erik
[Editor's Note: Erik is FLAAAAMING!!!]

Note: The Fed would like to issue a correction to the Varsity Show program. Page 11, in fact, should have read, "The Fed Show, in which all content is juvenile jokes about sex. The cast is played by middle schoolers who keep ruining their lines by snickering."  Thank you.