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In This Issue

• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• First Year Friendships are for Fakies
• Stupid Shit Last Year's Frosh Did
• Letters to and from the Feditrix
• Meet Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• Drunken Email: Sloshed Slacker Salvation
• A Well-Engineered SEAS Survival Guide
• Engineers Get Jobs, But never Blowjobs
• Thirty Things to Do Before you Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Pass that Class with Your Hot Ass
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Apathy is for Jerks, Imperialism is for Turks
• Student Spends Summer Choking Chickens
• Columbia is Folsom Prison All Over Again
• Get Laid Quick, or your Genitals will Melt
• CUicide: A Proud Tradition

Mr. Jenning, however, received many.

The job market is tighter than my sweet, virgin anus once was. Everybody had a tough time finding work this past summer, but the situation for non-technical students was terrible. Those who were lucky enough to find work ended up in retail or the service industry, as waiters or salespeople or hookers. Most summer jobs in retail don’t lead anywhere. I mean, if you’re a prostitute, how do you climb the corporate ladder? Could you sleep your way to the top? Would you sleep with me for $50? How about less? Cool, call me.

Now, if you are not in SEAS and still think you can have a career, property, or the ability to stay off welfare, let's set things straight. You are wrong. As much as you may enjoy the intellectual pursuits of "art" and "literature" and "sex you don’t have to pay for", you’ll rue the day you snubbed SEAS’s offer of madd jobb skillz. You will rue it from the stolen moving bin you live out of at the Port Authority.

For those among you who had the foresight to apply to SEAS: congratulations. You are the pasty and socially awkward elite. Here are a few tips: drinking will not transform you into an interesting or attractive, person. In fact, you will never be any of those things, so don’t even try. Also, try not to take it personally when your physics professor spits in your face because you couldn’t solve a third-order multivariate system describing the motion of a particle in four dimensions in your head – it’s tough love.

You're going to have to learn fast to understand a ridiculous assortment of accents because, unlike you, many of your professors and TA's had the balls to leave their native country. Go ahead and get familiar wit your balls because ain’t nobody else gonna seem ‘em for a long, long time. If you’re a lady and consequently lack testes (and I mean a real lady, not like Johnette, from that weird bar I was at last weekend), fear not. You will endure the same isolation, tough classes, and long hours of study as your male counterparts, ultimately to earn $20,000 a year less than men do once you start working.

I look forward to graduation, when I will trade my long nights and thankless toil in school for long days and thankless toil in a cubicle. While many people like to assure us of our future success, they tend to gloss over the years we will undoubtedly spend as faceless members of massive corporations, or struggling at the helms of failing businesses, or sucking the government’s dick to get just a little more funding. However, SEAS will prepare you well for those years. You will be faceless in your massive lecture classes, you will struggle and fail to get decent grades, and you will probably end up blowing your TA, professor, or dean for an extension. Here’s a tip if you’re unfamiliar with cocksucking: use your mouth to describe a cross-section of a perfect spheroid oscillating along the horizontal axis of a cylinder.

By no means do I intend to frighten all you guys about your course load. After all, the declining suicide rate is as good an indicator as any that engineering students are well adjusted and happy. The engineering school can be brutal, but $EA$ is all about rewards. If you ever feel like the hard work and social exclusion won’t be worth it, let my example inspire you. Last summer, thanks to my engineering background, I was able to get a decent job aiding a cancer researcher. I grew as a person and learned so many fascinating things. For instance, did you know that "Microscopic assessment is important to ensure that tissue samples contain adequate amounts of the desired histological features and to avoid analysis of necrotic debris," (Harris et al, Cancer Res. 1994 Sep 15; 54(18):4855-78)? Did you know that necrotic debris sort of looks like "erotic bris"? Dude, an erotic bris would be so hot.