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In This Issue

• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• First Year Friendships are for Fakies
• Stupid Shit Last Year's Frosh Did
• Letters to and from the Feditrix
• Meet Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• Drunken Email: Sloshed Slacker Salvation
• A Well-Engineered SEAS Survival Guide
• Engineers Get Jobs, But never Blowjobs
• Thirty Things to Do Before you Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Pass that Class with Your Hot Ass
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Apathy is for Jerks, Imperialism is for Turks
• Student Spends Summer Choking Chickens
• Columbia is Folsom Prison All Over Again
• Get Laid Quick, or your Genitals will Melt
• CUicide: A Proud Tradition

A Friendster Request

Welcome, The Fed! You have one new friend request! Columbia University , would like to be your friend. Is Columbia your friend? Add Columbia to your friends only if you know Columbia and are friends with Columbia. Is Columbia your friend?
--Friendster Friend request.

Dear Columbia,
Let's get this straight. Our relationship is unhealthy at the very best. I don’t know if we can be Friendsters.

After all our trying to please, trying to behave, and trying to convince our friends that no, really, this black eye is because we fell down the stairs, “no, Columbia would never beat us, no, really, we’re fine please just leave us alone,” we are beginning to rebel a little. I guess the final straw was when we walked in on you and the Spectator and you were… well, you know. Surely you must have seen our t-shirts, our mascot, our emblem if you will. We call it the "Columbia Butt-Raping You" mascot. You can see it at http://www.columbia.edu/cu/thefed/v2/archives/18/18.1/
And that is how we feel about Columbia. All we wanted was to move slow, have a sweet and innocent mutually loving and respectful relationship with you, our alma mater. When we let you pop our ass cherry, that’s what we were really hoping for. It would be nice to get flowers from you once in a while. We would like you to say you love us from time to time. Like a father might do. Or a wife. Or a patron. Or a sponsor. Or a boyfriend. Please, Columbia, our rectums ache. Retract your stony phallus and hold our hands in harmony and love.

While it is sweet that your Friendster embodiment is trying to make amends, what would really help is if you actually expressed some sort of support and love to us in real life, Columbia. Bring us chocolates, treat us to a classy dinner. Show us you care. And until that day comes when we can have an equal, grown up relationship, I think its best that we don't get too emotionally involved with you.

We cannot be your Friendster until you show us some respect. Or bake us some cookies and bring us some beer. Both are acceptable solutions.

With regret,
Kate Sullivan
Feditrix-in-Chief and Fed Social Worker

Words of Wisdom From an Old Gay Man

To the Class of 2007:
Let me say congratulations. You are the most selective class in the history of Columbia University. You are very special. Your parents still love you. The streets in America are paved with gold. Both Santa Claus and the female orgasm exist. Next to high school, college is the best time of your life. With a degree from Columbia, you will be able to do anything you want. Many of our graduates can fly. And Barnard is a respected and established institution of higher learning.
God speed and good luck.
Suckers.
Ned Ehrbar, Fed Publisher Emeritus

Dear Ned,
I hear that the left penis fountain on Low is actually the fountain of youth, too!
Love, Kate.

Re: Columbia

Dear Kate,
Columbia's bureaucracy is indeed an impressive beast. Nobody's ever responsible. Everyone's always on your side. Nothing is ever done to help the students. And there's no money for anything. Not even the money they said you had. Cause you don't have that anymore, sorry, you should have filled out form A2T42 and phoned Dean Ima Biatch and promised your firstborn. And besides, I can't find a record of it, except these records and the records you have, that prove that money ever existed.

Ah, you bastards!

Which brings me to my final point (I like long rambling emails). When I graduated Columbia I was about as angry as a man can be towards a faceless institution which purports to be his "Alma Mater". But eventually the feeling died away. I get those little post-cards asking for contributions and I just chuckle and throw them into the trash. Man, they have some nerve. It took about 3 years. Which, for me, is a fairly high level of psychological pain. I don't hold grudges and I don't get angry.

Which was why I was so into the Fed. And why I'm glad it's still kickin'. Yes, it's totally fun. Yes, it can be completely silly and pointless. But it's designed to get your head up and looking around. ‘Cause Columbia spends a lot of effort to ensure that it remains firmly planted in the ground.

So, keep it up! Fight the good fight.

-Tom
(co-founder and buisness manager of the new and improved version of the Fed, C.U. ‘00)

From the Feditrix Kate to The Class of ‘07

Dear New Class:
So I thought about lecturing you on how to make your time here awesome (get off campus and explore, dammit!!!! Also: care!!! Also: laugh!!!). While I would care enough to give you advice, you’ve probably gotten it from your Mom, your Bubba, your Godfather, your mob boss, local hot dog vendor, and even your younger cooler sibling. And you’re sick of it. So let me instead introduce you to our wayward publication.

Things our paper is not: a massive wad of diarrhea, a malaria carrier, an avocado, an indie rock singer, a politician. Things we try to be: open minded, funny, politically aware, drunk, a healthy milk cow for CU publications, and critical.

Columbia is a hard place to give a shit at. The Fed is our way of either escaping that apathy by laughing at it, or challenging it with critical and intelligent content.

You are not crap. But even if you are, we’ll still sit next to you. That’s our motto. You don’t have to apply to be on staff, we’re not going to judge your politics, there’s no “writing sample” needed. If you want to, join us. If you are literate and expressive, we’ll print it. Maybe being on staff isn’t the resume booster that the Spec is. But you know what? Here, we aren’t the administration’s bitches. We’re free thinkers and independent actors. We’re a small staff. We drink together sometimes; we play kickball. It’s nice. It’s homey, in a big University that does everything it can to be sterile and hostile. If you hate the Man, but have to laugh at him, join the Fed. We love you.

C’mon. I dare you.