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In This Issue

• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• First Year Friendships are for Fakies
• Stupid Shit Last Year's Frosh Did
• Letters to and from the Feditrix
• Meet Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• Drunken Email: Sloshed Slacker Salvation
• A Well-Engineered SEAS Survival Guide
• Engineers Get Jobs, But never Blowjobs
• Thirty Things to Do Before you Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Pass that Class with Your Hot Ass
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Apathy is for Jerks, Imperialism is for Turks
• Student Spends Summer Choking Chickens
• Columbia is Folsom Prison All Over Again
• Get Laid Quick, or your Genitals will Melt
• CUicide: A Proud Tradition

Oh freshies, freshies, freshies. In my final year at Columbia, I've decided to impart upon you some of the most valuable information I've acquired here at The Fortress: how to succeed without really doing anything. Unfortunately, you’ll have to do something resembling work to get by at Cool-umbia. You can achieve this by either going to class or doing your reading.

In a lecture class, you don't have to go. In fact, you don't even have to do the reading. Just follow the syllabus loosely and check in every few weeks to pick up any paper topics. No matter how much of the reading you do, or the percentage of classes you attend, your grade in a lecture is purely based upon two three-pagers and a five-page final, so make ‘em good.

For smaller classes, it's not that simple. The teachers actually learn your name -- or at least your face -- and will factor your attendance into your grade. But you can use this to your advantage. For the first couple of weeks, do all your work, say insightful things in class and write a damn good paper. Don't worry, you don't have to keep it up -- the teacher will think you're brilliant and will love you. Then, when you start not reading or going to class, your teacher will think you're going through a tough time and not just a lazy fuck. If you write a truly shitty paper, the lowest grade you will get is a B, with a note saying that you can do better.

If You’ve Got It...

As opposed to high school, you can bang your teachers in college. Your power as a hot young fuck is frighteningly potent, especially with the younger profs. Here are some tricks: Sit in the front row and strip down to barely acceptable tight clothing. The process of undressing is really important. Keep it slow and dramatic, and let your undershirt ride up your stomach. Chew on your pen, staring and grinning, to the point where he has to break eye contact, embarrassed. Remember, it's not important that you’re attracted to your teachers, only that they are attracted to you. Even if you're straight, boys, remember that your male teachers are homosexuals at a ratio of 4:1. You don't necessarily have to put your grade where your mouth is, so to speak. In fact, it's sometimes better not to. While the easy A may tempt you to suck on a halls, close your eyes and pretend you're not there, giving your prof the hummer might mean you'll be pressured to repeat the act. It's less stressful to lead the fucker on all semester and become a class favorite, giving you the leverage to miss a few extra classes.

How to be Sick

Also know that if you're teacher threatens to drop your grade because of missed classes, that's bullshit. If pressed, most teachers reveal that their policy is three UNEXCUSED absences, i.e., three cuts. The trick is getting them excused. Fake chronic illness, such as debilitating migraines or HIV. That way, any class missed will automatically be chalked up to malady. No teacher will ask for corroboration, and if you’ve made the good first impression, then they won’t suspect foul play. Just remember to e-mail your teacher about it BEFORE the class starts, because then you look responsible.

2-3 Pages to Freedom

What's wonderful about the essay form is that you don't really have to read a book to write a good paper on it. A good trick is to write a "textual analysis." You just focus on three pages of a book and ignore the rest. Write about the words the author uses, especially "the" and "even." Just watch your grammar and keep the reasoning clear, and your professor will give you the grade that they associate with you (in a small class) or at least a B (in a larger one). You will procrastinate on the paper till the last possible hours. This is not an option. Remember: It's better to make a couple of phone calls and drop five bucks on an Adderall than to snort some No-Doze. That shit's no good for you and burns like hell.

Talk the Talk

Every so often, though, you just don't get a paper done, and you need a quick-fix excuse. Sudden illness or death in the family are tired and seem conspicuous on the day your huge paper is due, so don't bother. Instead, claim that you were mugged or you needed emergency dental work, like a root canal or an infected wisdom tooth socket. These "emergencies" work best in large lecture classes, since you will never have to talk about it again, as you would have to in a pretend relationship with a seminar professor.

Fight the Law - And Win!

Keep in mind that your teachers are just students who never left college. They are generally just as disorganized, forgetful and late as you. Exploit this, especially with the weak, older ones. Schedule meetings with them orally, and when they aren't at their office, send them "where are you?" e-mails. They will feel bad about missing the appointment, and if you can repeat it, guilt alone will force the teacher to give you no lower than a B. It doesn't matter how little of the work you did or how crap it was. You didn’t have an opportunity to meet about it!

Contingency Plans

If you don't write any papers in a semester, there are two ways to fail outta school with out really failing outta school. The first is Academic Leave, where Columbia asks you to leave for a semester. This is bad, you lose housing. The nicer alternative is Medical Leave, where the university asks you to leave for a year, but you don't lose housing, so keep a freaky psychosis on hand and the number for Psychological Services on speed-dial. Those fucks’ll buy anything.