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In This Issue

• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• First Year Friendships are for Fakies
• Stupid Shit Last Year's Frosh Did
• Letters to and from the Feditrix
• Meet Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• Drunken Email: Sloshed Slacker Salvation
• A Well-Engineered SEAS Survival Guide
• Engineers Get Jobs, But never Blowjobs
• Thirty Things to Do Before you Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Pass that Class with Your Hot Ass
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Blowjob
• Apathy is for Jerks, Imperialism is for Turks
• Student Spends Summer Choking Chickens
• Columbia is Folsom Prison All Over Again
• Get Laid Quick, or your Genitals will Melt
• CUicide: A Proud Tradition

During Orientation ‘02, the campus smelled funny. The air reeked. What was that smell, you ask? It was the class of 2006. Freshmen everywhere, half of them terrified beyond belief and half of them quivering with veritable Ivy League arrogance. That smell was something that I came to know as terrogance. Want to experience their orientation? Great! That’s why the Fed’s bringing you actual quotes from the wacky and hilarious Class of 2006.

"Are we just going to turn into men?"– Barnard Freshmen contemplating the repercussions of attending an all girls school.

In the elevator: "How do I get to the basement?" I told her she should take the stairs down one flight but she turned away from the stairway because it said ‘fire door’."

Drunk WASP to African-American student "So dude, have you ever, like, DONE Africa?"

For the third time in one day after a week of being here: "Shit, my fucking roommate locked me out again!"

"Where is the dining hall... the basement? Where is the basement?"

"So I joined all the clubs which had hot Columbia boys at their booths... they were all gay, but that’s OK!"

"Does John Jay have a safety deposit box for students to keep valuable belongings such as watches, passport and plane ticket?" (Orientation website)

"You know, ALL the indie rockers drink Vanilla Coke."

"I think it takes 20 minutes to get from here to Manhattan, right?"

"Can you tell me how to get back to Barnard?"

To some hot upperclassmen girls: "Why, heh-looooo. You ladies… first-years?" (wink) They reply negatively and he pauses to try again, "So. How do you ladies… feeeel about first-years?"

Coming home from a club, dressed to the nines, a group of freshmen get off the 2-train at 116th street and Lennox at 3 a.m., and approach a group of large and threatening-looking black women laughing on the corner. "Um, where’s Columbia?" The women laugh long and hard: "Oh, honey, you ain’t in Kansas no more!"

The professor of a Barnard art class announces that the class will be going on a walking tour of Lower Manhattan in November. A first year raises her hand and asks, "I don't own a coat. Do I still have to go?" When the entire class starts laughing, she continues, "What? I'm from South Florida – we don't use coats there!"