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In This Issue
- Fat Virgin Screws Microsoft
- Fed Talks with Corporate Stooge
- Letters to the Feditor!
- Dirty Terrorists Go Too Far: Now It's Personal
- LilAmber.com: Legal Child Porn for the Masses
- Fed Fun Guide: How Not To Make A Bomb
- Shivering Shit Machines Progeny of Actress Ricci
- The SHIT
- Bollinger: Mixing Business with Leather
- Lashed & Leashed at CV
- 14 Year Olds Do It Best!
- Remember Sept 27th
- Girl of Petite Race Likes Small Place
- The Staff of 19.1
Dirty Terrorists Go Too Far: Now It's Personal
Bill McLaughlin
This September, the Terrorists (included in that grouping is anyone who wears religiously motivated headgear, opposed the Iraq war, or lives in a non-English speaking country) had to strike at America. "Why?" you may ask. Well it doesn't really matter; let's just say they're evil and leave it at that. We could additionally theorize that they envy the legendarily huge penises of white American males, especially those in the New York area. The author personally finds this a compelling and highly reasonable theory.
Anyway, this year the Terrorists decided that striking a tall building with an airplane had a "been there, done that" feel to it. They figured that there's just no way Allah is going to give 78 beautiful virgins to someone who demonstrates so little creativity. This is a very sensible policy if you think about it. It takes quite a bit of maneuvering to sleep with just two girls simultaneously without either of them becoming upset about the situation. Think about seventy-eight! Any potential martyr better be prepared to spend about 25 hours a day repeating the old "No, umm, what's-your-name, those other girls don't mean anything to me, you're special!" line.
Likewise, an attack that would hurt the American economy seemed counterproductive. A bad economy means Bush might get defeated by Howard Dean. (Don't laugh, it could happen.) The Terrorists know that Howard Dean couldn't possibly engender the sort of energizing, widespread, let's-forget-our-differences-to-fight-a-common-enemy hatred of America that Bush has spread throughout the world. In fact, the latest Osama Bin Laden audiotape to surface has been roughly translated by the CIA as "make sure... the monkey is not toppled... headlong from the marvelous... mountains... of ice cream. Oh, and send some clean underwear... my favorite briefs have... become badly soiled."
Attacking America's leaders was also considered but voted down. In an informal poll conducted by the Terrorists at bars located near gas stations and convenience stores, the only political figure that more than half of Americans thought deserved to live was Arnold Schwarzenegger. It turns out that 74% of us actually support executing the entire membership of the Republican and Democratic parties. (Most of the polling was done in Wyoming, Montana, and Southern California.) Using this intelligence, the Terrorists finally put together their slimy rat-infested noggins and decided that the best way to destroy America was to launch attacks at our treasured Hollywood celebrities.
On Monday morning, September 15th, the nation woke up and heard the news. Most of us cried for at least several hours. We wanted to know who was to blame. We asked ourselves how the government could have allowed such a tragedy to occur right under our noses. We started up a collection for the victims. It was still so hard to believe that it was actually true. The nerve of those Terrorists, breaking up our beloved Ben and J.Lo!
It hit so close to home because Ben and Jen were by far the best celebrity couple since Michael Jackson and Elvis. (Elvis' daughter, actually, but it's the same difference.) The two of them seemed so in love too, provided of course that one measures love by the amount of expensive diamond jewelry one purchases and not by the degree to which one refrains from casual sex with strippers. So why couldn't their relationship withstand this brutal Terrorist attack?
I can provide an inside perspective on this fascinating question. One time, I too had a relationship that was sabotaged by Terrorists. It was a two-step process: first, they sent my girlfriend an anonymous letter revealing the top-secret location of my extensive collection of schoolgirl bukkake pornos and dead hookers (they were under my bed). Then, later that night, they spiked my drink so that I lost control of my tongue and accidentally said, "You really shouldn't wear those Victoria's Secret nighties. They're made for thin girls." Surprisingly, a couple of misplaced magazines and that one line seem to be all a bitter group of Middle Eastern men needed to end a perfectly healthy relationship.
They probably used the same tactics on Ben and Jen. I bet Jen is mighty sensitive about that big ol' ass of hers. After all, even she must know that it's only a matter of time before she weighs as much as Yokozuna.
Over the next couple of weeks, the government will probably try to get the stars' publicists to deny the breakup. They don't want people to panic and turn to rioting and looting in their sense of impending doom. The only hope for America lies in the possibility of creating a replacement celebrity couple that the distraught public can latch on to, thus preserving their faith in true love, apple pie, baseball, and the Judeo-Christian god. Otherwise, we shall all grow despondent, and begin giving up on dear life itself, especially the shitty parts of it like prolonged foreign military campaigns. This attitude would of course guarantee ultimate victory to those wascally Terrorists.
Personally, the author feels that Bob Sagat and Jenna Jameson would make an ideal match, a true inspiration for America in these difficult times.
Anyway, this year the Terrorists decided that striking a tall building with an airplane had a "been there, done that" feel to it. They figured that there's just no way Allah is going to give 78 beautiful virgins to someone who demonstrates so little creativity. This is a very sensible policy if you think about it. It takes quite a bit of maneuvering to sleep with just two girls simultaneously without either of them becoming upset about the situation. Think about seventy-eight! Any potential martyr better be prepared to spend about 25 hours a day repeating the old "No, umm, what's-your-name, those other girls don't mean anything to me, you're special!" line.
Likewise, an attack that would hurt the American economy seemed counterproductive. A bad economy means Bush might get defeated by Howard Dean. (Don't laugh, it could happen.) The Terrorists know that Howard Dean couldn't possibly engender the sort of energizing, widespread, let's-forget-our-differences-to-fight-a-common-enemy hatred of America that Bush has spread throughout the world. In fact, the latest Osama Bin Laden audiotape to surface has been roughly translated by the CIA as "make sure... the monkey is not toppled... headlong from the marvelous... mountains... of ice cream. Oh, and send some clean underwear... my favorite briefs have... become badly soiled."
Attacking America's leaders was also considered but voted down. In an informal poll conducted by the Terrorists at bars located near gas stations and convenience stores, the only political figure that more than half of Americans thought deserved to live was Arnold Schwarzenegger. It turns out that 74% of us actually support executing the entire membership of the Republican and Democratic parties. (Most of the polling was done in Wyoming, Montana, and Southern California.) Using this intelligence, the Terrorists finally put together their slimy rat-infested noggins and decided that the best way to destroy America was to launch attacks at our treasured Hollywood celebrities.
On Monday morning, September 15th, the nation woke up and heard the news. Most of us cried for at least several hours. We wanted to know who was to blame. We asked ourselves how the government could have allowed such a tragedy to occur right under our noses. We started up a collection for the victims. It was still so hard to believe that it was actually true. The nerve of those Terrorists, breaking up our beloved Ben and J.Lo!
It hit so close to home because Ben and Jen were by far the best celebrity couple since Michael Jackson and Elvis. (Elvis' daughter, actually, but it's the same difference.) The two of them seemed so in love too, provided of course that one measures love by the amount of expensive diamond jewelry one purchases and not by the degree to which one refrains from casual sex with strippers. So why couldn't their relationship withstand this brutal Terrorist attack?
I can provide an inside perspective on this fascinating question. One time, I too had a relationship that was sabotaged by Terrorists. It was a two-step process: first, they sent my girlfriend an anonymous letter revealing the top-secret location of my extensive collection of schoolgirl bukkake pornos and dead hookers (they were under my bed). Then, later that night, they spiked my drink so that I lost control of my tongue and accidentally said, "You really shouldn't wear those Victoria's Secret nighties. They're made for thin girls." Surprisingly, a couple of misplaced magazines and that one line seem to be all a bitter group of Middle Eastern men needed to end a perfectly healthy relationship.
They probably used the same tactics on Ben and Jen. I bet Jen is mighty sensitive about that big ol' ass of hers. After all, even she must know that it's only a matter of time before she weighs as much as Yokozuna.
Over the next couple of weeks, the government will probably try to get the stars' publicists to deny the breakup. They don't want people to panic and turn to rioting and looting in their sense of impending doom. The only hope for America lies in the possibility of creating a replacement celebrity couple that the distraught public can latch on to, thus preserving their faith in true love, apple pie, baseball, and the Judeo-Christian god. Otherwise, we shall all grow despondent, and begin giving up on dear life itself, especially the shitty parts of it like prolonged foreign military campaigns. This attitude would of course guarantee ultimate victory to those wascally Terrorists.
Personally, the author feels that Bob Sagat and Jenna Jameson would make an ideal match, a true inspiration for America in these difficult times.