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In This Issue

• Fat Virgin Screws Microsoft
• Fed Talks with Corporate Stooge
• Letters to the Feditor!
• Dirty Terrorists Go Too Far: Now It's Personal
• LilAmber.com: Legal Child Porn for the Masses
• Fed Fun Guide: How Not To Make A Bomb
• Shivering Shit Machines Progeny of Actress Ricci
• The SHIT
• Bollinger: Mixing Business with Leather
• Lashed & Leashed at CV
• 14 Year Olds Do It Best!
• Remember Sept 27th
• Girl of Petite Race Likes Small Place
• The Staff of 19.1

Back in the day, screwing around had no purpose other than procreation. Nowadays, it seems like just the opposite is true. Yes, sex has reared its head among the tween set. Little girls are practically cutting their teeth on cock, while their male counterparts’ first words involve ways of getting out of returning the favor. But really, what else is there to do when you’re five? Between eagerly anticipating the new season of Teletubbies and waiting for someone to pick out your clothes for you, there’s plenty of time to turn to matters down under when you’re a kid.

So the two fourteen year olds who were arrested for having underage sex in Oak Creek, Wisconsin really intrigue me. The teenagers were caught in bed together by the girl’s mother, who demanded to know just what they were doing. They unapologetically replied—perhaps redundantly—that they were having sex, refused to stop, and then jokingly challenged the woman to call the police. Sure, I sympathize with them, but I can also understand why a mother just might call the cops on her daughter. Getting caught in your mom’s bed with your boyfriend…hey, we’ve all been there. Getting caught in the heat of the moment without so much as an: "Okay, I’ll wash out the sheets before school tomorrow"? Well, really, what parent wouldn’t relish the chance to sleep in their offspring’s cum stain? But daring your mom to call the police? When the reality series your little brat most wants to appear on is the next installment of COPS, then you know she’s got some seriously screwed up priorities. Send the bitch up the river.

But I can’t seriously bring myself to condemn horny teenagers. Being arrested before you're old enough to purchase cigarettes is bad enough, but getting arrested for having underage sex can't be having a healthy effect on either of them. Imagine being the fourteen year old boy in that in that situation. When you do remember to take your Ritalin, you've got just enough stamina and dexterity to make it last for the entire John Mayer song she picked out and not tear the 50 cent condom that represents your week’s spending cash. Not quite an experience that bolsters one’s self-esteem. Plus, fourteen is just young enough that you're unable to hold back unabashed tears when a group of hardened cops all packing heat walk in on you in delicto flagrante, with your shriveled beacon of manhood on display...and just old enough to realize what a wuss you look like. In front of your ho, no less.

As depraved, scandalous, and downright moronic as these kids were, we can’t ignore their plea for the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of some really tight ass. Sexuality has already been firmly planted in the minds of this generation's youth—who are we to stand in the way of a few early bloomers? Who were pastel colored vibrating cell phones marketed to, if not horny adolescents willing to experiment, but who still want to remain good girls at heart? You know that if these phones were meant for divorced fifty-something cooch that cell phone length would still be hovering in the foot long range—and that roaming charges would involve the location of the ever elusive clitoris. But no, they’re impossibly adorable…teeny tiny phallic symbols for some teeny tiny pussy.

To return to the two teenagers, the adults around them all say that the goal of their arrest and prosecution is mainly to set them on the right path, to nip their deviant behavior in the bud. Or in other words, to reassure themselves that this generation really isn't getting it on more than they are. Still, I do feel a sense of relief on the whole, knowing that kids are still getting it on. Because after all, you can’t help hoping that in another few years, Sesame Street condoms and pop up Kama Sutra books will be available in non-Japanese toy stores.