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In This Issue
- Fat Virgin Screws Microsoft
- Fed Talks with Corporate Stooge
- Letters to the Feditor!
- Dirty Terrorists Go Too Far: Now It's Personal
- LilAmber.com: Legal Child Porn for the Masses
- Fed Fun Guide: How Not To Make A Bomb
- Shivering Shit Machines Progeny of Actress Ricci
- The SHIT
- Bollinger: Mixing Business with Leather
- Lashed & Leashed at CV
- 14 Year Olds Do It Best!
- Remember Sept 27th
- Girl of Petite Race Likes Small Place
- The Staff of 19.1
Girl of Petite Race Likes Small Place
Edward Rueda
The truth cannot be denied: all across America, young Asian-American girls with lithe, flexible bodies have taken over our high schools' lockers, using their lunch hours to enjoy the lockers' womb-like iron embrace. Nowhere is this more true than in New York City's Stuyvesant High, a science magnate school which provides more of Columbia's incoming class each year than, say, the entire Midwest. Located a few blocks from the World Trade Center Site, Stuyvesant has a student population that's half-Asian, and the lockers are only waist-high. The possibilities are endless.
In the days of "Saved by the Bell", getting stuffed in a locker was the ultimate social punishment, the true sign of a high school pariah. Yet now in this brave new century, flexible, nubile young women (and some lithe, supple men) no longer suffer as nerds: they embrace the locker as a humanizing comfort zone. Let us put a face on the phenomenon: "Captain Georgia Scarlett", who now attends Wesleyan University in Connecticut, still lives on in the minds of many a Columbia sophomore who went to Stuyvesant, who remember her love of the locker. Now, it is time to meet the legend.
Fed: Wow. This is a great honor, Scarlett. When did this stuffing in lockers first begin?
Scarlett: Well, I am the daughter of two Olympic gymnasts. I liked exploring different places, and my small size just helps. I used to stuff myself in vases when I was 4. But you know, the whole puberty thing hit, I shot up to a whopping 5 feet, and vases weren't so much fun anymore. I got to high school and the lockers... perfect.
Fed: Was fitting inside a locker your friends' suggestion, or your idea?
Scarlett: The first time it was a dare. And I hate backing down from challenges, especially if I knew I can do it.
Fed: How many times did you stuff yourself into a locker, and what does it feel like to be inside one?
Scarlett: You could find me in locker 607 nearly every day during my lunch period. I napped in there. I did homework. It was home away from home. Being inside [a locker] is pretty darn cozy. Snug as a bug in a rug? Isn't that the American phrasing for it?
Fed: Yes, exactly. How did your classmates view your locker stuffing?
Scarlett: I was fortunate to have good friends. They accepted me and they didn't freak out when they opened a locker to find me in it. Other people weren't as kind. Some took to opening and closing every locker on every floor of Stuyvesant to find me. And when they did, they'd lock me in there. There are some terribly prejudiced people out there.
Fed: Were you the only locker-stuffer of Stuyvesant, or were there others?
Scarlett: I am unaware of any other locker stuffers, although I knew a couple people who looked as if they did it in secret. Many of us aren't very public about our stuffing abilities.
Fed: I understand that Locker 607 is on the 6th floor of Stuyvesant, where many of the school's Asians meet. Do you sense that your habit stems from underlying racial tension?
Scarlett: Asians have always fallen under the stereotype of being slimmer and smaller. In our culture, where being slim is so prized, there might have been jealousy.
Fed: How about gender inequality? Was Locker 607 "a locker of one's own", as Virginia Woolf might have penned it?
Scarlett: Perhaps.
Fed: September 11, 2001. Did you go into your locker on that fateful day?
Scarlett: You know, that was my first thought. But they had to evacuate the building. I do regret not staying. Stuyvesant became a triage center and I would've been well placed to help.
Fed: Did the authorities try to interfere with your locker habitation?
Scarlett: The principal would look through the lockers himself to try to find me. When I wanted to sleep I would close the door. My friends knew how to knock.
Fed: Thank you for your willingness to share. You are an inspiration to us all, Scarlett. Any advice for fellow locker dwellers out there?
Scarlett: Don't let the man get you down. Keep on stuffing.
It's possible that Scarlett's bold self-expression in the face of opposition has inspired former Stuyvesant graduates to continue the legacy of cramming oneself into small, protective spaces. In three years of living in Columbia housing, I've noticed my classmates proudly forcing themselves into small, locker-like singles in John Jay, Schapiro, Ruggles, Wien. We must embrace this sizable part of our campus, and not view them as hopeless social disasters. Scarlett has proven us wrong. Rather, we should be proud of the suitemates or roommates that skitter past without a word or making eye contact, for they are proud representatives of the All-American Counterculture, the true heirs of 1968! Besides, they bare the brunt of masturbating constantly.
In the days of "Saved by the Bell", getting stuffed in a locker was the ultimate social punishment, the true sign of a high school pariah. Yet now in this brave new century, flexible, nubile young women (and some lithe, supple men) no longer suffer as nerds: they embrace the locker as a humanizing comfort zone. Let us put a face on the phenomenon: "Captain Georgia Scarlett", who now attends Wesleyan University in Connecticut, still lives on in the minds of many a Columbia sophomore who went to Stuyvesant, who remember her love of the locker. Now, it is time to meet the legend.
Fed: Wow. This is a great honor, Scarlett. When did this stuffing in lockers first begin?
Scarlett: Well, I am the daughter of two Olympic gymnasts. I liked exploring different places, and my small size just helps. I used to stuff myself in vases when I was 4. But you know, the whole puberty thing hit, I shot up to a whopping 5 feet, and vases weren't so much fun anymore. I got to high school and the lockers... perfect.
Fed: Was fitting inside a locker your friends' suggestion, or your idea?
Scarlett: The first time it was a dare. And I hate backing down from challenges, especially if I knew I can do it.
Fed: How many times did you stuff yourself into a locker, and what does it feel like to be inside one?
Scarlett: You could find me in locker 607 nearly every day during my lunch period. I napped in there. I did homework. It was home away from home. Being inside [a locker] is pretty darn cozy. Snug as a bug in a rug? Isn't that the American phrasing for it?
Fed: Yes, exactly. How did your classmates view your locker stuffing?
Scarlett: I was fortunate to have good friends. They accepted me and they didn't freak out when they opened a locker to find me in it. Other people weren't as kind. Some took to opening and closing every locker on every floor of Stuyvesant to find me. And when they did, they'd lock me in there. There are some terribly prejudiced people out there.
Fed: Were you the only locker-stuffer of Stuyvesant, or were there others?
Scarlett: I am unaware of any other locker stuffers, although I knew a couple people who looked as if they did it in secret. Many of us aren't very public about our stuffing abilities.
Fed: I understand that Locker 607 is on the 6th floor of Stuyvesant, where many of the school's Asians meet. Do you sense that your habit stems from underlying racial tension?
Scarlett: Asians have always fallen under the stereotype of being slimmer and smaller. In our culture, where being slim is so prized, there might have been jealousy.
Fed: How about gender inequality? Was Locker 607 "a locker of one's own", as Virginia Woolf might have penned it?
Scarlett: Perhaps.
Fed: September 11, 2001. Did you go into your locker on that fateful day?
Scarlett: You know, that was my first thought. But they had to evacuate the building. I do regret not staying. Stuyvesant became a triage center and I would've been well placed to help.
Fed: Did the authorities try to interfere with your locker habitation?
Scarlett: The principal would look through the lockers himself to try to find me. When I wanted to sleep I would close the door. My friends knew how to knock.
Fed: Thank you for your willingness to share. You are an inspiration to us all, Scarlett. Any advice for fellow locker dwellers out there?
Scarlett: Don't let the man get you down. Keep on stuffing.
It's possible that Scarlett's bold self-expression in the face of opposition has inspired former Stuyvesant graduates to continue the legacy of cramming oneself into small, protective spaces. In three years of living in Columbia housing, I've noticed my classmates proudly forcing themselves into small, locker-like singles in John Jay, Schapiro, Ruggles, Wien. We must embrace this sizable part of our campus, and not view them as hopeless social disasters. Scarlett has proven us wrong. Rather, we should be proud of the suitemates or roommates that skitter past without a word or making eye contact, for they are proud representatives of the All-American Counterculture, the true heirs of 1968! Besides, they bare the brunt of masturbating constantly.