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In This Issue

• John Jay Elevator Acquires New Residents
• H.B. Reese Murders Lovable Monkeys
• Chief Editor Whipped On Fed Date
• Honest Fred: The Death of an Icon (who appears only in our print version as of yet)
• Reporter finds "Plantation Mentality" at Columbia Security
• Ruggles Haunting Investigated
• Sam Brown hates Picasso, Draws Better than Three Year Olds
• New Sandwich Names Makes 212 Even Worse
• Go Ask Alice, You Big Fucking Fattie
• Designer Vaginas: Everyone's Doing It
• Man Fights Cancer with Cancer
• Columbia, Hamiltron Defeat Burr, Princeton with Laser Cannon
• University Writing Just as Bad as L&R
• The Fed Kicks Yore Ass
• Anti-Life Comics
• Time Travelling Gussie
• Ragdoll Lollipop
• Adventures in Rush Week
• A Tribute to Edward Said
• Wacky Fun Whitey

If you could piss on one famous artist, living or dead, who would it be, and why?
i don't think i would piss on any one. pissing on them implies that i am angry with them. i can't think of any artist that got me angry enough to want to piss. i do get pissed about the way people beat you over the head with some artists. like picasso, i think i have been beaten over the head with picasso since i first started to learn. every teacher and any one interested in art at all and every one that knows nothing about art has such great respect for picasso and they have to tell you about it. it has left me hating picasso and for years i didn't know why. when i see a piece by picasso i can not evaluate it on it's own. all i can do is think of all the other picasso art that has been shoved in my mouth.
the same thing happened with the beatles. one time after driving for a few hours, i decided to turn on the radio. i thought it would be entertaining and give me some contact with something besides the highway. so i turn on the radio and all of the five stations that came in were playing the beatles. i was in some strange torture chamber on "EVIL WORLD" where you only alternative to the beatles is the beatles.
if you think about it, pissing on an artist means i am angry at the artist not angry at the artwork. so maybe if some artist came over to me and insulted me to my face or did something mean, i would say, "we are going out back and i am going to piss on your face." but i don't think that would happen.
i don't know, i guess i don't have a good answer.

What's one conception that you imagine people have of you that isn't true?
that i am a depressed person, i am not always happy and i can be real negative but that is just because i think life could be better for everyone. and the only way to get there is to be a positive person.

How's business? Has this thing succeeded enough for you to quit your day job?
actually, my day job quit me. after i was laid off the money slowly drained out of my bank account, and after a year or so of making some money off my website and trying to live in NYC, i realized i was making enough money off my website to afford to live in my top-secret hideout in connecticut.

What's the funniest joke you know?
i can't tell you because if i did you would know it and if i ever told it to you, you wouldn't find it funny.

If you had only one work of art, film, book, or piece of music to comfort you through Hell, what would it be?
could i give myself pleasure in hell? if pleasure is the answer, then i want to bring a really soft book.

What's the worst bit of criticism you've ever received? The best?
a woman once told me that her four year old daughter could draw better than me. which impressed me.
think about it. it took me a quarter of a century to be able to draw stick figures this good. if this woman put her child to work making books and tshirts and artwork, by the time she was 30 she would be better than i would be at 50. which if you keep doing the math, and you remember that women live longer then men, you will realize that when this child is 100 years old she will be making art better than what i could do if i lived to 120.
that is pretty impressive. imagine if picasso lived until 120. wouldn't the art be great?

Do you ever feel the need to run screaming from the modern world?
yes, but most times, i just need to figure out what to ignore and i will be fine.

Any advice for budding artists? What themes, issues, or ideas aren't being addressed by contemporary artists but should be?
my advice for budding artists: every one is lying to you. but you should listen to everything they say, because it might make sense. and if it makes sense it is even more likely to be false. i am not joking, this is true.

Were you ever an art student? Has formal education of any type impacted your work or life significantly?
i was. i went to hartford art school in hartford connecticut. it was a good time. i think i learned some stuff. and that is where i learned that everyone is lying.

At what point in your life did you know you had to be an artist?
one night i was drunk at this party and this girl came over and asked if she could have a cigarette (i used to smoke, but i don't anymore. remember smoking is bad for you. it gives you cancer which is disgusting) so i gave her a cigarette and we got to talking. as the night went on i told her about myself andshe told me about herself. around dawn she said "you are an artist", and i thought about it. it was true. so i told her "yeah, but i am still working on my masterpiece."

If you weren't doing this, what would you be doing?
if i wasn't answering this interview, would be out creating the most wonderful piece of art the world has ever known.