I like food. So when Alice! told me that I need to curb the way I eat, and that everyone else in the world needs to learn to eat correctly, I somewhat dismayed. And when Alice!, a.k.a. the Columbia Food Police, held an impromptu "learn-how-to-eat-correctly-since-you're-parents-don't-cook-for-you-anymore-you-pathetic-helpless-little-snotball" workshop on September 18 in Lerner, I felt inclined to see what all the rhubarb was about. Turns out this little get together was geared largely toward first years who truly don't know how to eat sans parental units. But nonetheless, free food was on hand, so so was I.

I walked through the door only to be greeted by some gaytastic shit called a "wellness wheel." This thing looks not unlike a large pizza with six slices, only the slices say "social, physical, intellectual, community, education, spiritual." There should be a seventh one saying "gaytarded." Anyway, the way it fit into the seminar was ambiguous, but free food is free food. And even if there wasn't any real pizza, at least Alice! supplied plenty of (figurative) cheese.

The talk consisted of a blonde and a brunette blathering on and on about how you need to eat five to six small meals a day, you need to exercise more, you need to balance carbs and protein, blah blah blah. (Blonde's first statement: "Everyone on the planet has to eat, otherwise they die." I guess they do have more fun.) While Blondie was yammering on about the importance of small meals, I helped myself to the free shit - three servings of pasta with pesto, one serving of past with marinara, a roll, a mango, a pineapple, four cookies and a sandwich. I followed that with a Diet Coke, which is not unlike chasing crack with tar-free cigarettes, but I digress. At about the time I finished eating (when they took the trays away), Blondie said something about how physiology is important, too, but she's not going to get into that (whew ... thank Christ).

Lamentably, some of the first years still didn't seem to grasp the concept. Some fat girl felt inclined to inquire, "I want to learn how I can work candy and cookies into my diet without getting fat."

Memo to Fatass. You already are fat. At this point, you should be asking questions like, "Is it a problem that I can't tie my shoes without crossing my legs first" and "Is it true that if you put a ham sandwich and ice cream in a blender at the same time you get a ham sandwich shake". Don't kid yourself, tubs.

But Fattie wasn't sated with asking questions. She needed to stick her chubby little arm up in the air and answer them, too. When Brunette asked about the average portion size of a piece of meat, Lardbutt said "About the size of your hand." How does she know? My guess is she probably tried to gnaw if off once.

When one first-year-looking kid asked how he was supposed to eat five to six meals a day when you can only eat in the cafeteria twice in a day, you could just hear the synapses misfiring in Blondie and Brunette's brains. So they suggested you do the only logical thing: steal stuff.

Of course, the duo confronted one of mankind's dumbest creations: the carb-free diet. Blondie made this analogy: "It's like when your car needs gas and you throw windshield wiper fluid in there. Your car might putt-putt along, but it's not good for the engine." Because 18-year-old college students living in New York City always own cars. And Columbia will win the Rose Bowl this year. And soccer will eventually catch on in America. And I'm not a virgin.

Finally, Blondie got to the moment we'd all been waiting for: the part involving nuts. "Nuts," she proclaimed. "Nuts are a fantastic source of protein and fats. Nuts are the powerhouse food. These things fill you up and leave you satiated."

That's right, ladies. Nuts. Healthy, powerful, satisfying. Come and get 'em. She also mentioned that 39 nuts make for a good serving size, so you'll need 19 regular dudes and one cancer survivor.

In the end, Alice! provided a valuable lesson to us all. Every once in a while, Columbia will come up with a really dumb idea for an event that teaches students how to do something that they biologically already know how to do. Much like many things around here, it will be a massive waste of time, money and energy. But odds are, it will involve free food.