The family of local man Jeff Williams recently received some excellent news. The 53-year old patriarch was diagnosed late last December with a highly aggressive form of lung cancer. Doctors gave the lifelong chain smoker and erstwhile hospice resident just months to live. In what has apparently turned out to be a smart move, Williams intensified his cigarette use.

Williams's wife commented on her husband's activities: "After Jeffery found out about his health, he started to smoke more than he ever had before. He just figured that he'd enjoy himself while he could. He would smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously, stopping only to eat and vomit. He set the bed on fire when he tried to sleep with a cigar up his ass, which, to be honest, didn't even make sense to me. With all the smoke in the air, the dog developed a pretty serious nicotine habit and had to be put down."

Williams also began the inordinate and tom-foolish use of other known carcinogens. He sprinkled asbestos on his Frosted Flakes and filled his bathtub with diesel fuel in a misguided attempt at aromatherapy.

Comments Mr. Williams, "I was pretty heavy into the coke scene for a while there, and I was something of a regular at the local pool hall. 'Eight ball in the right nostril,' if you know what I'm saying. The guys from the hall offered to baby-sit my girl while I was out. They're good guys, and she seemed to like them, so that was convenient."

Mr. Williams' eight year-old daughter reflects on her father's behavior: "When Daddy told me that he was sick, I was scared because I love him. He said that it would be okay, and it was, because Daddy got a lot of funny new friends. They had silly names like 'Poland' and 'Sticky'. They were real nice, and they loved music because they kept asking if I knew how to play 'the skin flute'. I've never heard of that instrument. What's an hj?"

Miraculously, Williams's doctors are now suggesting that his asininity may have saved his life. A recent CT scan showed a new, unexpected growth has been developed at the center of Williams's original malignancy. One of an astonished team of researchers explained, "It seems that the patient's lung cancer has itself developed cancer. This new disease is highly advanced, but we have yet to determine a prognosis for Mr. Williams's tumor," adding, "This flies in the face of every medical breakthrough that oncologists have ever made. God damn it, this blows."

Jeff Williams smoked so much that his lung cancer got lung cancer and will soon die. Chemotherapy has been ineffective, and privately, doctors do not reserve much hope for the tumor. Asked for his thoughts, Morton Downey Jr. opined, "I'm dead, you scum."

Hoping that his victory over cancer is the beginning of a pattern, Williams has become a researcher. He is currently researching how to get a GED. In his free time, he works on perfecting a device, tentatively titled the "cheeseburger," that will treat victims of atherosclerosis, in addition to the morbidly obese. Williams's theory is that at some point, fat begins to consume itself. "I had an 600-pound uncle who died of AIDS, and in the months leading up to his death, he lost 350 pounds. Obviously, Cheeseburger(tm) worked wonders for him." Asked for his thoughts, the dead uncle opined, "I'm dead, you scum."

Today, Jeff Williams looks forward to a promising future. After settling a lawsuit filed by the doctors who treated him, alleging that he single-handedly set oncology back 50 years, implicating him in millions of deaths, Mr. Williams banks on Cheeseburger(tm) to reestablish his once "adequate, I suppose" fortune. He speculates, "I think once I can get to a point of literacy - hey, that was a pretty good word for a guy who can't read. Anyway, I hope that one day soon, I'll be able to market my ideas to people who could benefit from them. It would also be nice to get my daughter out of protective custody." Asked for his thoughts, Adolf Hitler opined, "I'm dead, you scum."