This week, a shocking exposé revealed some horrifying facts about Hershey's popular Reese's line of confections. This product field has expanded in past years to include Reese's Peanut Butter Cereal, Reese's Pieces, and, most recently, ReeseSticks. The true, fiendish contents of the sweets have, however, finally come to light. The popular junk food is, in reality, made from rhesus monkeys.

H.B. Reese started 1923 like he did every year since taking over the family business, a discontented farmer of wheat and organic monkeys. He specialized in rhesus monkeys, which he found to be cute and "an honest to goodness fun time."

Reese was also an aspiring chef, renowned for his innovations. He stands as the inventor of the In-Sink-Erator and, more dubiously, the fork. One fateful day, a rhesus monkey was unintentionally incorporated into some pâté in an unfortunate food processor blunder. Reese's background in the kitchen is made all the more suspicious by the fact that food processors had yet to be invented. Reese then fiendishly dipped his pinky finger into the froth, declaring, "I'll be damned if rhesus monkeys don't taste like peanut butter! Because they do."

Excited by his discovery, Reese began experimenting with uses for his monkey-derived spread. He and his monkeys ventured into the spermicidal lubricant industry but discontinued those efforts after a testing mishap left him without an anus. No longer able to defecate, Reese began a daily ritual of smearing his pants with rhesus monkey paste, desperate to convince colleagues that not only could he shit, but he could shit more boldly than any of them. He was quickly fired from the company he founded, and it looked to be the end of H.B. Reese.

An excretory pariah, he diversified his inventory and went on the road, finding limited success in marketing a wide line of Rhesus brand products, including Rhesus Massage Oils, Rhesus Mouthwash, Rhesus Shoeshine, and Rhesus Oil Enemas. Reese suffered a major setback when the fumes of Rhesus Sterno were proven to cause black lung.

Through his years of failure, Reese concluded that his products were best left as delightful confections. He concocted the original Rhesus Peanut Butter Cups and set up a candy store to sell his sweets. Results were mixed, as Reese's only customers were very young children and illiterate adults, who naively gobbled up as many Rhesus Peanut Butter Cups as they could buy. One day, sitting inside his desolate shoppe, Reese suddenly exclaimed, "My name sounds exactly like 'rhesus'! I could keep secret the monkeylicious ingredient of my candies. This is wonderful, although I still don't have an anus."

Sales rose tremendously when he changed his product's name to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, keeping people from discovering that they were in fact consuming the furry protagonist from Monkey Trouble. Reese constructed an uncomfortably humid underground cave where he crushed rhesus monkeys into peanut buttery goodness. In his memoirs, Reese states, "The humidity helped relax the monkeys, a 12-ton steel press helped kill them, and the acid bath was just for the hell of it."

This horrifying discovery has sent shockwaves throughout the monkey community. One rhesus monkey prominent in monkey society commented, "Aaaaahhh. Ooooohh. Eeeeeeee," adding, "Aaaaiiiyyy." We spoke to him for several hours before it came to our attention that he was a monkey and could not talk. He then threw his feces at the wall.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, (PETA) protested, "This organization will not stand idly by and allow the brutal slaughter of innocent rhesus monkeys to continue," while ceding, "We're not going to jerk you around. We don't like killing monkeys, but they make damn good, grade-A peanut butter."

To its credit, upon being confronted with the mangled remains of 17 million rhesus monkeys, somehow still cute after having their flesh and organs ripped from their body, a sheepish Hershey Food Corp. issued the following statement: "We apologize for any inconvenience that this recipe may have caused, although to be honest, we found PETA's use of the term 'monkey Hitler' vaguely humorous." The company vowed to shy away from the liquidation of rhesus monkeys, but promisingly, they are currently developing a system to convert puppies into grape jam.