This summer Café 212 closed for four months while a construction team labored to think up witty new sandwich names relating to famous alums and dropouts. The results were less than overwhelming; they failed entirely to come up with the somewhat obvious pun "Alexander's Ham Sandwich," opting instead for "Hamilton's Beef Mexicali," which makes no sense whatsoever, but does succeed in being slightly more patronizing than its ancestor.

Nevertheless, in response to the changes, the lesser known Diner 917, located on the sixth floor of Lerner, between Big Bolls' Bowling Alley and Jay Orenduff's Harem, decided to update its menu as well.

When questioned about the changes in 917, executive chef Ray Lithower explained "917 has always stood in the shadow of 212. We wanted to show the kids that there's room for more than one hip area code-themed eatery in this building. And what with the 250th celebration and all, it only seemed appropriate to celebrate a bit of Columbia's past."

Hip indeed. The first new sandwich to be added to the lineup, Lauryn Hill's Fried Chicken Sandwich, was intended to raise racial sensitivity while cutting calories. Much like Lauryn's tenure at Columbia, the sandwich is only 1/4 the normal length. A perfect choice for aspiring rap stars and dieters alike.

Next on the menu is Gray Davis' (Law, '67) Recall-wich. While tasty, the sandwich is treated with syrup of ipecac, causing the customer to vomit shortly after its consumption. "Not too worry," explains Ray, "we keep a large Austrian man on staff to lick up the mess."

Those interested in the more recent past might want to try George's Flavor eRupp-tion. What's in it? "Mainly bits of red brick left over from Rupp's Bricklaying campaigns that brought Columbia into the 21st century and made her once again a competitive school for undergraduates," Ray explains. The sandwich costs approximately $40,000 and has been known to cause gastrointestinal distress.

One fascinating new sandwich which also tends to result in severe heartburn is Madeleine Albright's (M.A., 1968; Ph.D., 1976) Iraqi-Babywich. "The flavor," Ray assures, "is exquisite." Although the sandwich is quite pricy, it is, as Albright insisted when asked for comment, "a price we're willing to pay."

"We used to sell something known as Allen's Ginsburger, but they were recently declared illegal in the United States." Although no longer on the menu, Ray had a few extra laying around. The burgers are apparently made from the ground flesh of the Man, and they're delicious.

A particularly enticing "New Deal," is FDR's (Law '08) Internment melt. This delicacy consists of a piece of teriyaki chicken smothered in mayonnaise and topped with melted American cheese. Ray expects the sandwich will be met with high praise from those of Asian descent.

For the fairer sex, Diner 917 provides Martha's "Evasion de taxée", which is French for "stuffed baby quail topped with truffle and flavored with a light hint of garlic." Diner 917 actually substitutes pigeon, as pigeons are readily available in the area, but the dish is served on a paper doily made from cut up stock certificates.

"Remember Brian Fadwell, CC '87?" questions Ray. "No? Well, you'll probably find his sandwich more or less unmemorable as well." The sandwich consists of a single piece of lettuce on a hamburger bun, flavored with broken promises of a career after graduation and unfulfilled dreams. It tastes a little bit like chicken.